The August holiday season was in full swing this week, leaving us with only 7 players for the evening's exciting poker action, which began at 20:34.
Dan arrived late (he was busy filming cat porn) sporting a new haircut which Sharon correctly observed he had done himself. She helpfully suggested that he should cut his wife's hair, in order to save money. This is a particularly sensible idea, given that Dan owes Bea a tenner, after she managed to lick her own noony. (see last week's blog)
IJ got fucked up by pocket aces once again, after he didn't raise, letting Dave & Charles hit trip 6s. He couldn't fold the final £4 raise, despite knowing he was no longer ahead, and only had himself to blame. All present urged the blog to record how foolish he has been. Dan, waking in a time zone somewhere behind the rest of East Finchley, joined in late to declare "Ilan, you're a complete cunt." Thanks to all.
IJ (CC) exited first, after going all in with Js, which Dave called with KQ, hitting 2 pair. CC out (7th).
In a monster hand, CC was soon joined by Lee & Charles. Lee went all in with AK, which Baz called with KJ & Chas called with A5. Charles then went all in after the flop, which Baz called and then hit a J on the turn to knock Lee out (6th) & Charles (5th).
Baz became a massive chip leader and at this point our players remembered to put the cash into the pot.
Baz soon frittered all his chips away in 3 hands, most of the damage done in the last two. In the first of these, Dan's A10 hit an Ace on the turn to go ahead of Baz's Qs. Dave then finished him off, getting very lucky to come from behind and overtake Baz's QJ, 2 pair. Dave's AJ hit an Ace on the river, to give him a better 2 pair and knock out a very fucked off Baz (4th).
Shaz had a lucky escape after going all in with A3, against Dave's A4 and only being saved by a split pot. Her luck didn't hold out much, and Dave kicked her J4 out with his pair of 6s. Sharon out (3rd).
In their first heads up of the evening, Dave & Dan got started at 22:25 and were all spent by 22:35, Dave eventually winning with pocket 7s which hit trips, while Dan was left holding A3, which hit nothing.
Well done Dave!
Game 2 – 7 players - (1st Dan, 2nd Dave, 3rd Lee)
The 22:50 start convinced Sharon to brave the smutty humour and lurid banter of the second game and try her luck in the usually all male arena.
Dan's heart missed a beat (nothing to do with Bea) at the arrival of a J of diamonds on the board, as he only needed a J of hearts for a Royal Flush. It may have been the wrong suit, but the J of diamonds gave him the nut flush, helping him take some chips from Dave, who had hit the low flush.
Lee's new position as Acting Head of Legal created another PDA addict to provide much needed distraction from our game. After a few instances of Lee failing to keep up with play, Dave christened him 'Dean', which seemed a very harsh comparison given this was Lee's first offence &, as he insisted, he was just keeping an eye on things at the office. Charlie surmised: "With great power, comes great responsibility."
On the subject of baseless comparisons, Dan became very defensive when asked what happened to his beloved Leeds Utd (not Bea). He retorted 'What happened to Spurs?' which Lee objected to, given the vast differences between the 2 sides.
Displaying the lack of any capacity for critical thought or rational argument that only a man exposed to Gaby for a prolonged period of time could possess, Dan insisted that it was his right to compare any 2 things he wanted. He went on to showboat his comparative skills, listing all the things that Spurs & Leeds Utd have in common: they are both football teams, they both have grounds... It was a bit like listening to a small child playing pairs on his own, which I suppose is entertainment, if you're a Leeds Utd fan.
Lee accused Dan of just saying random words out loud, which drew complaints from Baz, since that is the basis of his entire conversation, his best lines in fact.
Charles went all in with A10, only to be called by IJ with A10. While the odds said it should have been a split pot, with both hitting a straight, IJ hit a flukey flush on the river to knock Chas out (7th).
Dave showed that 78 can be a good hand, getting lucky twice with them, hitting four 8s the second time.
Shaz called IJ's raise on the river with a 34 flush draw, believing there is an extra card to come. She was most distraught when she was told to turn her cards over (prematurely, she thought) grumbling about how she has just donated a pile of reds to IJ. Perhaps Shaz was just not used to the cracking pace of the second game.
In case anyone was in any doubt, Lee expressed everyone's pleasure at having Sharon in the second game, especially for her active role in pushing the game along.
Holding A9, IJ hit a 9 on the flop and went all in. Shaz called with AQ, to exit (6th).
At this point, the other girl in the room woke up from her sleep and starting pacing around the room, exploring and sniffing the place out. There was speculation that Bea was waiting for a spot of tongue action, only to be disappointed as Dan was too busy playing poker.
Dan knocked out both IJ & Baz. Baz went all in with KQ, which IJ called with AK, only to be called all in by Dan, who was holding a pair of 9s. IJ hit an Ace early, leaving him only 2 cards to dodge. Dan hit one of them, ending up with trip 9s and knocking IJ out (5th) and Baz out (4th).
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Dan continues:
Anyway, after Dan’s tripped up pockets nines knocked out IJ (5th) and Baz (4th) making him a big chip leader he waited for patiently for Dave and Lee to battle it out for second place. Dave duly accepted, when he knocked out a very short stacked Lee with some fairly unforgettable hand – although Dave may remember, Lee will be choosing to forget his rather miserable night.
Heads up lasted about 20 minutes until holding 95 with a nine on the flop Dave went all in. Dan called with 9J and while the turn gave Dave another 5 for two pair.
Justice hit on the river giving Dan a better two pair Js and 9s.
What was all the more surprising was that the exclamation of ‘JUSTICE’ was from Dave – one wonders what he would have exclaimed had he not have won the first game and had not needed to rush home to clear up Bea’s faeces.
Well done to Dave and Dan who shared equally all the cash on the night.
2008 Poker Rankings Table:
A major upset brings us the biggest table news in weeks. Dan's 1st & 2nd has taken him to even points with Lee, but into 2nd place over all by virtue of having played less games. Having occupied one of the top 2 places for virtually the entire year, Lee slips into 3rd spot, 14 points ahead of JJ in 4th.
Baz is still comfortably at the top of the table, with a 15 point lead, but Dan's surge cracks the title race wide open.
Meanwhile, Dave's equal share of the points from this week, moves him within 3 points of IJ.
Finally, there is now a 24 point gap between the top 6 and the rest of the table. The stragglers need to get their act together if they are going to make an impact on the table this year.
Conversation topics of the week:
Gary Glitter's impending return to the UK inspired a conversation on paedophilia, with the usual unenlightened, extreme, right wing, populist solutions proposed by our players, any one of which would be considered too base even for a Daily Mail leader column.
Sharon suggested sending him into exile, a punishment she quickly extended to murderers, when challenged. She was unable to provide a willing territory that wanted to import the UK's pervert and killer population.
Taking a more traditional northern approach, Baz suggested chopping paedos arms, legs and knobs off.
Dan provided the most original thought, proposing that paedos should be forced to face their Achilles Heel and should be given jobs as school counsellors....
Charles asked if it is nature or nurture that influences paedos & (rarely for our game) Shaz provided an intelligent answer, quoting studies which suggest there is no academic consensus, with evidence to support both hypotheses.
The air was thick with sexual chemistry crackling between Bea and Dan. As well as this rich vein of humour, Bea also inspired these conversational gems from Dave "Isn't ironic that Bea is a Chocolate Labrador, and yet chocolate is poisonous to her?" and "Would Bea recognize her sister if they met, despite being separated at 8 weeks?"
Shaz was prepared to concede a family dog to Lee, should they happen to win £55m on the Euro millions lottery. She pointed out that she wouldn't notice the smell, as she would be living in a much larger house. Not on The Bishops Avenue mind, as it is way too much of a main road for our Shaz, more likely somewhere on Winnington Road....
The Isaacsons cashed in the family's Onion Jar full of change, which came to a massive £270. Apart from purchasing a fishtank, Baz doesn't know what else he will spend it on.
Dan has banned members of his family from arriving to stay on Wednesday evenings, after his sisters and parents have disrupted the previous week's poker games. Caroline, his elder sister has been banished to Hendon until the weekend when she is allowed to come and visit.
Finally, Charlie tried to revive last week's conversation on the origins of Olympic Sports . While we may have thought that Charlie's chat was unlikely to shed much fresh light on the matter, we were deeply mistaken. Charlie made the astonishing revelation that he has the power to understand where all Olympic Sports come from. You may not rate this power much, compared to flying, mind reading or being invincible, but consider this: would Syla really waste the effort killing Charlie just to absorb this power?
It could also come in really useful in pub quiz nights and charity quiz suppers.
Congratulations of the week:
To Barry & Caroline Isaacson, on their 10th wedding anniversary.
To JJ on his birthday.
To Dean on his birthday last week (16th).
and to Jude on her birthday (28th).
Jokes of the week:
Thanks to Barry for this Bear Warning:
and Thanks to Dave for this one:
Circumcised
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'
that's all folks!
ij
