Our first game was delayed by the presence of an evil moth in the poker suite. Jude earned herself a round of applause after she successfully captured the moth in between a cup & a tenner, taking the mantle of top insect catcher from Dan, who's clapping technique was found wanting.
Once play kicked off at 20:43 Julian bet big on Qs, but thought twice about chucking it all in and going out in the first hand, a repeat of the last time he played. Since Dan had hit a full house, Jule's caution saved him to play a few more hands. ....
....But his survival wasn't long lived, after he went all in with 10s and was called by JJ with AQ, having hit a Q. Sharon handily informed us that she had chucked a 10, meaning Jules only had a single card to hit, which unsurprisingly he didn't and went out (9th).
Dave went out next, going all in with QJ, which JJ called with Qs, which held up to knock Dave out (8th).
It was at this point that Barry started to see flashing lights in front of his eyes, a sure sign of an incoming migraine (or perhaps madness?). He went all in with 8s, which Jude called with AJ. Jude hit a J to knock Baz out (7th) but IJ had laid down 5s, which would have tripped up. This was one of the first hands where the evil 5s started to do their despicable work. Meanwhile, Barry retired to the lounge, claiming that this was the first time that he actually wanted to lose. He lay down on the sofa and hid his face from the light, trying to resist the madness, I mean migraine.
Lee went all in with 10s, only to be called by Sharon who was outgunned with 7s, but hit a full house. Lee was knocked out (6th) for the second week running by his wife getting lucky, although this week she didn't crow about it as much.
JJ went all in with A9, only to be pipped to the pot by Jude with A10. JJ out (5th).
Jude then used the scary 5s to beat IJ's pathetic 42 all in and knock him out (4th).
Down to her last few chips earlier on and promising Dean that she'd be home soon, at this point Jude had amassed a huge pile of chips and become chip leader.
She went on to kick Dan out (3rd), after her Ks beat his Q10, to begin the first heads up battle of the bitches in a long while.
Due to Andy Murray's gripping US Open quarter final, the boys left Jude & Shaz to get on with it. It didn't take too long and was all over by 23:10. Sharon hit a pair of 6s and went all in, enticing a call from Jude who had a straight draw which never came.
Sharon's second victory in a row - well done Shaz!
Game 2 – 7 players - (1st Scott, 2nd Lee, 3rd JJ)
Our intrepid poker players tore themselves away from Andy Murray's quarter final to start the second game at 23:26, joined by Scott and a slightly recovered Baz.
In an early hand, Dan was blessed with Aces and raised £1.25, as he said 'to get rid of the shits.' Unfortunately for Dan, the biggest shit was not to be put off, which is understandable given that JJ was holding an unfoldable 56. The flop brought 345, giving JJ top pair (although a pretty miserable one) which he duly raised a Jackson special £7.50. Dan called, which was perfectly rational, given he was holding a monster over pair. When the turn brought another 5 to give J trip 5s, he raised £9.50. Dan re-raised all in which JJ obviously called. JJ already had Dan sewn up but just to teach him a lesson, the river gave JJ a flush to double him up and leave Dan very pissed off.
To provide some light relief Barry (recovered slightly) asked:
"What do you call a cunt with a headache?"
Scott provided the only answer possible: "Barry."
"I set you up for that one" said Barry.
"Anyone could have guessed the answer to that one" replied Scott.
"What even Bob in Frankfurt?" asked the genius Isaacson.
"Is there a 'Bob in Frankfurt'?" asked Scott.
Interrupting this gripping intellectual discourse, Dan went all in with Aces. He was still reeling from his earlier defeat with Aces but the excitement wasn't over for him quite yet. Lee called with Qs and the flop delivered KJ1o, to keep Dan ahead. His heart racing, the turn brought an Ace to give him trip Aces, but it also gave Lee a straight, creating a tense atmosphere around the table. The river put Dan back on top, bringing a 10 to give him a full house. Would you believe it? Getting paid for his 2nd pocket Aces, enabled Dan to get over his previous loss. What he'd have done if he'd lost twice with them is anyone's guess.
Barry's migraine took a turn for the worse and he consulted our resident Doctor:
"What does it mean when you've got a pain in the left side of your head?"
Jules: "You've got a headache."
JJ: "You're dying."
JQK of hearts on the flop brought more excitement, and Scott's £5 raise gave nothing away, since he has been excluded from the Royal Flush pot. Barry, sweating somewhat, managed a call. The turn was a J which brought an all in from Scott. Baz called and flipped over the Ace of hearts. He only needed the 10 of hearts to take home £300, which would have cured his migraine (but not his madness). His eyes, already suffering from the migraine, bulged out of his bald head, as the river card flashed a red 10 .... but it was diamonds. He sat down, exhausted declaring that he almost touched cloth when he saw that 10.
IJ confidently went all in with K9 after he hit trip 9s, only to have the smile wiped off his face by Scott's A9. IJ knocked out (7th)with trips by a cunt with trips and a better kicker.
A much weakened Baz went all in with 7s. Scott called with K10 and hit a K to treat Barry like the bitch that he is. Baz out (6th). Barry shrugged off IJ's 'I told you so' reminder that he should have taken his migraine home before the 2nd game and saved himself a tenner. He sniffed "You can only go in ahead". Lee tried to console him: "Scott did you a favour really. You weren't feeling well." He went home claiming that it was all worthwhile just to hit that 10.
Dan went all in with a JJ style 46 straight draw. Scott gave another demonstration of his psychic reading abilities, calling with A8, which held up to knock Dan out (5th).
Jules got over excited with his own A8 and went all in out of turn. Scott called, since his K8 had already become top pair. Jules could only say "Oh fuck" when Scott hit an 8 to give him two pair which knocked the good doctor out (4th).
Having knocked every single player out, Scott was by now a monster chip leader. JJ had accumulated chips early on in the game, and had managed to keep virtually the same size stack of chips ever since. His undoing was trying to bluff mind reader Scott, going all in with J10. Scott thought for a while and then made another amazing call, with his favourite A8, which held up. JJ was knocked out (3rd) and was incredibly annoyed that Scott had the audacity to call with nothing, despite Scott's nothing being better than JJ's total nothing.
Heads up began at 1am, with Lee trying to hide his thoughts from psychic Scott. He could only hold out for 12 minutes, at which point Scott hit a low straight,which we almost missed, to beat Lee's pair of Aces.
Well done Scott on your first win of the year!
2008 Poker Rankings Table:
Migraine inflicted Barry collected no points this week, but his position as our table leader remains secure. Lee's 2nd place & Dan's 3rd means their separation has widened slightly, with JJ 10 points behind in 4th.
Sharon's 2nd win in a row moves her 8 points clear of Mark and the remaining players, but she is still 18 points behind Dave, a massive gap to close at a maximum rate of one game a week.
Jude's 2nd place takes her 2 points closer to her beloved, but our week's biggest mover is Scott, whose first win of the year propels him ahead of Vic & Jules. Come on Scottie - 1 more point and your in double figures...
Conversation topics of the week:
There was some more chat about evil neighbours. Lee & Sharon's had quite reasonably asked their kids to keep quiet when playing in the garden during the afternoons (remember vampires and she-devils like to sleep during daylight hours.)
If that wasn't bad enough, Dave reported that his bitch of a neighbour had come round to complain about Bea (how dare she!) and wished her dead.
There was unrelated chat about what was more important to wear: tzit tzit or a kippah? According to JJ tzit tzit were in the torah, but then a kippah is a lot simpler and easier, and covers bald patches more effectively.
The most monumental news of the week was provided by the girls, who reported that Gaby didn't like the book at book club. Apparently this is the first time she has reacted strongly to any book ...
Finally, IJ and Baz annoyed everyone by a totally pointless conversation about what would IJ do if Barry won the euro millions lottery draw. This got so bad, that at one point Scott offered IJ 10p to shut up, which Lee raised to 20p. I can only apologise for inflicting such unforgivable dullness on everyone.
Jokes of the week:
After last week's high point in the humour stakes thanks to Dave, we are reduced to these anagrams from him:
agony onrush
porn markets
inane eulogy (had to add a middle name to get something from this one)
anus ninja joyed
bother cats
joins cabal
annoys jade
rainy boar sacs
valid dodging
grim anal head
That is basically all the regulars except JJ who, apparently, has a very difficult name to make anagrams of.
Thanks to Dave for this photo of how the credit crunch is affecting Britain:
that's all for this week folks,
ij
