23 July 2008 (The Jayson's) "Bea puts JJ off his stride... "

Game 1 – 8 players - (1st Baz, 2nd IJ, 3rd Aron)

We were still without the Youngs or Dan, who were all in Portugal, but a guest appearance from Aron this week and a rare re-appearance of Dean, back from re-programming in Chicago, ensured respectable numbers. We were also joined by Bea, who provided plenty of entertainment in her first, of what we hope will be many, poker games.
Kick off was at 20:43 and Mark, 3 days into his first paid employment since 2007, was in no mood to hang around. He dominated all the early action, with a series of aggressive hands, culminating in a showdown with Aron. With 4 hearts on the table, Aron moved all in and Mark thought for a long time, but eventually folded.
Minutes later, the roles were reversed with Mark re-raising Aron all in. Aron called, showing AQ, which held up against Mark's KQ and Mark went home (8th) to his new flat for an early night.
Dave spent much of the night following Bea around, trying to encourage her to shit in the garden, whilst she scampered around the room. When Bea finally emptied her bowells, Dave carried the results through the house in a plastic bag. We also discovered 2 key Bea facts:
1) She absolutely loves IJ's trainers, at one point making off into the garden with one.
2) JJ is scared of her.
Every time she came anywhere near the corner where he was sitting, he jumped out of his seat, and fluffed up his hand. It didn't matter that she was more interested in IJ's shoes than any part of JJ, he still couldn't find his poker rhythm with her bouncing around him.
Dave went all in with 710, 2nd pair. Baz called with AQ, pair of aces and knocked Dave out (7th). JJ swore frenziedly in the corner, as he would have hit a straight, perhaps if Bea hadn't have been stalking him.
Jude pointed out that it was totally pointless to record the hand that JJ would have had, but let's face it, this blog is fairly pointless in its entirety.....
With KK in her hand, Jude was happy to go all in after JJ raised £3.50, and was even happier when JJ called, turning over 810. Ridiculously, JJ hit a full house, knocking Jude out (6th) and demonstrating that Bea may have upset his play, but she hadn't affected his luck.
The whiff of dogshit hanging heavy in the air, Dave collected Bea from under the table where she was happily licking her arse, and took her home. Baz & IJ maintained that she should stay & slobber all over JJ as punishment for his total jamminess.
Dean was on unusually lively and sociable form, and tried out some of his newly acquired schmoozing skills. He took time to ask how other people were, what they were up to, and how was work, all part of his Accenture training for partners in 'how to win business by being nice.' After a while, the effort proved too great and he resumed his usual repertoire of chuntering on about what should go where in his new house. However, despite the quick return of normal service, we were all grateful to the Chicago training team for providing at least a few moments of respite.
With 35QQ on the board, Dean went all in, holding A6, straight drawer. Baz called with Js, and hit a full house when a Q came on the river. Dean out (5th)
IJ went all in with Qs. Aron considered it for a long time, saying "I want to know how it will affect me."
JJ tried to help, asking him "Do you want to see a psychiatrist?"
Aron decided to call (without any medical assistance) but his A3 didn't get lucky and he took a bad hit.
JJ went all in with 8s, a surprisingly good hand. Baz called with AQ hearts and hit a Q, to knock JJ out (4th).
Aron went all in after his 108 hit an 8, second pair. Baz called with K10, his K having hit and knocked Aron out (3rd).
Heads up was uneventful. Baz was a massive leader (in weight & chips) and when IJ went recklessly all in with J9, he called with A9 and hit a straight.
Well done Barry, who won the only game of the night, the dearth of 2nd game players, meant we left at a very respectable 23:38.


2008 Poker Rankings Table:

This week's solitary game produced no movement whatsoever in our table.
Barry's impressive 14th win of the year helps him consolidate his command of the top spot, capitalising on Lee's absence to move 10 points clear.
Dan has Bea to thank for JJ's inability to make the most of the Graham family vacation, and with only 4 points separating them, a good result for Dan upon his return could see the third spot change hands.
IJ's 2nd sneaks him ever closer to Dan, and further from Dave, who remains comfortably ahead of Mark, who stays in 7th.




Conversation topics of the week:

Think most of these have been covered, bar a brief discussion of whether Dean should put all his DVDs onto pc and how can he do that while avoiding the inevitable loss of quality???
Perhaps more interestingly, Dean did contribute some interesting trivia about how much various pubic figures charge to speak at corporate events. It turns out that in conversation with one of the event organisers in Chicago (an early use of his new partner social skills) he learnt that Chris Patten charges $70k, Colin Powel $75k, Gorbie $150k, but Tony Blair topped the lot with $250k.
In case you were wondering, the Accenture event organiser now also knows all about what rooms will go where in Jude & Dean's basement, equally interesting....



Congratulations of the week:

To IJ, on his 35th birthday on Monday.
To Bea on her first poker game.


News story of the week:

Thanks to JJ for news of this unusual pet :

http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/UK-News/Sheep-Kept-As-Pet-By-David-Palmer-In-Cardiff-Nick-Boing-Raids-Biscuit-Barrell-And-Watches-TV/Article/200807215034188?lpos=UK%2BNews_1&lid=ARTICLE_15034188_Sheep%2BKept%2BAs%2BPet%2BBy%2BDavid%2BPalmer%2BIn%2BCardiff%253A%2BNick%2BBoing%2BRaids%2BBiscuit%2BBarrell%2BAnd%2BWatches%2BTV


that's all folks!
ij

15 July 2008 (The Jayson's) "JJ takes the biscuit..."

Game 1 – 6 players - (1st JJ, 2nd Baz, 3rd Lew)

The Youngs family holiday & Dean's preference for the other side of the Atlantic, meant we were in need of extra players, while Jude's arrangements meant we were relegated to as Tuesday night. When Dave dropped out at the last minute due to transport and puppysitting issues, we down to 6. Thanks to Lewis or we would have been in real trouble.
Lewis also proved himself useful when he disproved Barry & IJ's theory of JJ: if you fold when he makes a ridiculous raise he'll have nothing but if you call he'll have the nuts. Lewis disregarded this sound advice and called JJ's £6 raise on the river. JJ threw his cards away in disgust when Lewis showed KK, demonstrating that he often has fuck all, even when you call him.
Barry was convinced Jude had let slip her hand after she said '2 Kings' when raising after the river arrived. Baz tried to exploit the mistake by re-raising £4, despite only having a raggy ace. Jude called and took the pot with her 2 pair. The moral of this story is not to believe a word Jude says.
IJ exited first, going all in with 56 and getting knocked out by Lew's pair of Aces, with a J. IJ out (6th).
Jude left next, (5th) after her QK was overtaken by Baz's Q9 which hit a straight.
Mark went out (4th) after he went all in with A3, but JJ's 99 held up.
By this point, JJ is a monster, but he has lost this position in the past with surprising regularity. Baz knocked Lew out (3rd) to make it a Borehamwood heads up. Lew had Q6, Baz A10, which hit an Ace.
Heads up started at 22:45 and was short and sweet as the Borehamwood boys like it. At 22:49 JJ called Baz's all in Q10, with his K2, which had already hit a K - another nail in the coffin of Barry's heads up record.
Well done JJ!

Game 2 – 5 players - (1st Mark, 2nd IJ, 3rd JJ)

A fairly uneventful second game started at 22:54.
Baz was out first. He had Q6 and went all in after the flop came 67J.
JJ instantly called, with Q7, and knocked Barry out (5th).
Mark, with A7, went all in after A48 arrived on the flop.
Lewis called with AQ, leaving Mark with only a 7 to hit, which he hit on the turn.
Lewis, decimated, goes all in with K8. He is almost thankful to IJ who finished him off, with J3, which hit a 3. Lew out (4th).
JJ tried his luck, going all in with 2 low diamonds in his hands, after AAJ came on the flop, 2 of them diamonds. Unfortunately for JJ, the flush never came and Mark's pair of Js doubled him up. JJ is decimated, with less than the blind left.
He went all in with 78, which Mark called with Q7. Mark hit a Q and sent JJ home (3rd).
Heads up started at 0:28, with Mark firmly ahead. He ground his way through, never losing the lead until he beat IJ at 0:44.
Well done Marky!

2008 Poker Rankings Table:



With Lee away, there was no one to threaten Baz's grip on the top spot. JJ took full advantage of Dan's absence, overtaking him to secure 3rd spot. With only 20 points between JJ & Lee, could the next few months see a serious challenge to our top 2?
In the meantime, the only other move of note was Mark who leaps ahead of Dean into seventh place.
Lewis meanwhile clocks up his sixth game without a point...








Conversation topics of the week:

There was a brief discussion early on as to whether Dean spent more time with his other family in the US then he did with Jude and their kids. There was also a suggestion that it was Microsoft Excel that was actually his true love.
Lew filled us in on his law firm's biscuit tasting session among partners, complete with a spreadsheet for each partner to record their preferences. This provoked a wider discussion about the importance of biscuits for work meetings. JJ contributed the nugget that Clifford Chance stopped serving biscuits entirely as a cost cutting measure. Overall, it seems law firms take their choice of biscuits very seriously. Lewis related how he was once professionally embarrassed after turning up to a client meeting with sub-standard biscuits.


Congratulations of the week:

To Mark on your new flat and new job, at your old firm.
and to IJ, for getting a commendation in your first year's law exams.

Joke of the week:

Thanks to Dave for this one (& the others which were too poor/politically incorrect to be included):

Jack wakes up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.
He doesn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?
Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.
As he struggles into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummets as he wonders what the hell he did last night.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.
He sits up. The bedroom is clean and tidy, - there is no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air is coming in through the window and all is serene. He stumbles to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, sees that he has a black eye. This is not a good
sign, but no memories are returning.
As he concentrates hard on getting the world into focus, he sees a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It is written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.
'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian. x '
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenage son is sitting at the table, eating.
Jack, bracing himself, asks his son what happened the previous night.
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '
Confused, he asks his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'


His son replies, 'Oh THAT!.... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm happily married!!'


that's all folks!
IJ

9 July 2008 (The Young's) "IJ survives blows and wet umbrellas to claim victory"

Game 1 – 9 players - (1st Shaz, 2nd Lee, 3rd IJ)

Our 9 players started play at 20:46 without Dean who unfortunately had to miss poker in order to chair a meeting on Microsoft Excel. So spare a thought for us, Dean. We could only spend an evening player poker with our friends. No where near as much fun as your night....
Having said that, we did have to suffer Sharon's favourite cheesy 80s album. Her tactic of numbing our minds with Rick Astley, Jason Donovan and other forgotten gems from the Stock, Aitken & Waterman stable was ultimately successful but at what cost?? Although Jude did enjoy the Take That...
On to the poker: Baz demonstrated once again his inability to get an accurate read on someone, after making us wait forever to decide what to do in a hand against Sharon. He had top pair, with a King kicker and a straight draw, when Sharon went all in. After a protracted delay, which included a coin toss (although he didn't actually look at the result), he eventually made a dramatic lay down. Shaz took a large pot and didn't refrain from telling him that she only had 10s with a straight draw, so he was well ahead.
He consoled himself by reminiscing with Dave about all their favourite characters from Prisoner, one of whom Dave has named his new puppy after but more on that in our special feature below.
Dave was our first casualty of the evening, first losing heavily to JJ when his A10 was beaten by J's AK, which hit a K. Sharon then finished him off: her A3 hitting a lucky 3, beating his A7. Dave out (9th).
Baz adopted JJ's violent behaviour when IJ got very lucky to knock him out (8th). Barry had gone all in, confident his Ks were good. IJ called with Qs, which turned into a full house, at which point Baz lashed out at him, steaming with rage. He later apologised, so all is forgiven but the Borehamwood community may wish to invest in anger management sessions for some of its residents....
IJ then doubled up against JJ, when his Js held up against JJ's AK.
Lee doubled up at Mark's expense, his KQ holding up after inducing a compulsory call from Mark with Q8.
Mark then fell victim to JJ, his A2 not strong enough for J's AQ. Mark out (7th)
Lee then doubled up at his wife's expense, his J6 hitting 2 pair.
Shaz wasn't down for long, doubling up against Jude, who's A10 got unlucky after Shaz's K5 hit a K.
At this pont Dave thought it would be funny to wipe his wet umbrella slowly across the back of IJ's neck. Not content with the lack of reaction that this produced, he then wiped it across IJ's face. If IJ was from Borehamwood, Dave may have ended up with that umbrella protruding from his backside....
Spurred on by Kylie and co, Shaz then dispatched both Jude & JJ in one hand. Jude went all in with KQ, which JJ re-raised all in with 4s. Shaz called and saw her AJ hit a straight on the river. Jude out (6th). JJ, his usual up and down, yo you ride over for another week, exited calmly (5th). But he was storing his anger for the 2nd game....
Lee & Sharon got busy again, but kept us waiting for the first game's denouement, splitting the pot with AQ a piece.
Dan went all in with J2 which elicited a call from IJ with J10, knocking Dan out (4th).
IJ was quickly cut to size by the unstoppable Mrs Young, who doubled up with 10s, after he called her all in with KJ suited, which hit nothing.
Decimated, IJ exited soon after (3rd) to Sharon's trip Aces.
Sharon wasted no time in a romantic heads up against Lee. They started at 23:04 and she'd won by 23:06. The final hand was cracking: the flop was 3 Kings, and the turn brought a 2. Lee hit a full house but didn't raise enough to scare off Sharon, who called and hit a 10 on the river, giving her a better full house.
Well done Sharon!

Game 2 – 6 players - (1st IJ, 2nd Baz, 3rd JJ)

We were down to 6 players in the second game by the time we kicked off. Dan, who had left earlier due to his twin sisters staying, returned but Dave, who had waited around for hours after going out first in the first game, left, just as play was about to start.
JJ started off on his usual, impressive early game form, raising £6 and then calling Mark's re-raise all in. He had caught runner, runner to hit a straight, which devastated Mark's trip 5s, leaving him with preciously few chips.
IJ then took those off Mark, who went all in with AK. IJ called with 7s, as did JJ with Qs. IJ got lucky and hit a full house, doubling up at JJ's expense & knocking Mark out (6th).
Dan arrived at this point, having missed a couple of blinds and became very confused as to where all of our chips had come from. Despite only Mark going out, Dan couldn't understand why everyone else looked like they had so many more chips than him. For once, Dan didn't pursue this quandary for hours, but got on with losing the chips he did have.
He went all in with AK and was gratefully called by Baz, who had the nut flush. Dan out (5th).
Lee went out next, after his QQ turned into a flush, but that wasn't enough to beat IJ's nut flush. Lee out (4th).
Baz's 78 got very lucky against JJ's AQ, which provoked a brief flash of JJ's wrath. He violently flung one of his remaining chips at Barry, a flash of pure Borehamwood rage. However, he quickly regained his composure, in time to lose his remaining chips to IJ. J hit a straight on the turn, but IJ hit another flush on the river, to knock JJ out (3rd). As JJ said, "Thank goodness I've got no chips left to throw at you."
Heads up began at 01:09, and with IJ holding 90% of the chips, the outcome was never in much doubt. Barry kept his cool, but lost his chips and IJ secured victory at 01:16 when his KQ held up against Baz's K8.
Well done IJ, second 2nd game win in a row!


2008 Poker Rankings Table:

No change at the top this week, but Lee has closed the gap by a point to put him 3 points behind Baz.
IJ's 2nd game win and no points for Dan or JJ meant IJ is now 9 points ahead of Dave, and only 6 points behind JJ. Another night like this one and he might swoop into third.
Sharon's 2nd win of the year moves her up a position, ahead of Jude, and only a point behind Mark and Dean.









Conversation topics of the week:

Before we'd even sat down for the first game, Jude dropped Sharon in it with her mum who had called to speak to her. JJ answered the phone to his mother in law and took it into the kitchen to ask where Sharon was. Jude loudly told him that "She's out smoking, can you believe it!?!"
Best of luck Sharon, hope you've managed to explain everything to your Mum but tread carefully: you're only 35 and a married mother of three.
Dan provided further insights into life at Accenture: he has been removed from his project and replaced by two cheaper androids. Looking on the positive side, it means Dan no longer has to drive to Reading every day, which is lucky as his car has suffered a fatal engine failure (olevah shalom). On the negative side, it means he has no more paragraphs to check.
Rather than hang around the house all day, ignoring instructions from Gaby, he has been going into Accenture Towers and has taken to wondering into Dean's Senior Executive Suite, where Dean has been happily farting the 18 hours a day he spends in there.
We all shared Sharon's disbelief that Alfie's nursery had insisted that they cannot deviate from their policy that all children must go outside at playtime, even if it is pissing it down with rain.
Dan expressed his hopes that some fool may buy his car on ebay. It has already attracted a few bids, despite being firmly in the 'non-runner' category.
Finally, the boys tried to remember any of the characters in Tour of Duty, but then most of them died a hideously gruesome death before you got a chance to really appreciate their multiple dimensional characters.

http://www.tourofdutyinfo.com/


Introducing: Bea

Bea is Dave's puppy. She is a Chocolate Labrador who was born 8 weeks ago last Saturday and Dave has named her after 'Top Dog Bea' his favourite character from Prisoner Cell Block H.
According to Dave, she is pooing and weeing with abundance and has the fluffiest ears he's ever stroked.


Question of the week:

Q. If Barry, our resident boxer, went pro, what weight would he be?
A. Featherweight? be serious....
Welterweight? yeah, right...
Lightweight? not in this department...
Cruiserweight? well he does like cruising...
Heavyweight? you know it makes sense...

Lee actually supplied an answer of his own: Butterbean

(thanks Lee for the photo of Eric Butterbean. We can all see the likeness to Barry...)

That's all for this week,
ij

2 July 2008 (The Jayson's) "The Wrath of Jackson"

Game 1 – 10 players - (1st Mark, 2nd Dan, 3rd Shaz)

Your blogger was an hour late this week and before he'd arrived, both Jude & JJ were out, 10th & 9th respectively.
Barry was next, going all in with deuces, which Julian called with A10 clubs and Dean called with 10s. Dean ended up hitting a spade flush and knocking Baz out (8th) with Jules folding, having donated a lot of chips to Dean.
IJ went out (7th), going all in with JQ suited, only to be called by Sharon who had AK and then hit an Ace.
Jules was knocked out (6th) after he called Dan's all in, and Dan's 10s held up against his A3. Had Dean stayed in the hand, his 9s would have tripped up and knocked them both out.
Lee went out (5th), going all in with A4, which Dean called with Q9, and hit a 9.
Dean then exited himself, after Marky's A7 turned into a straight, destroying Dean's J8. Dean out (4th).
Sharon went out (3rd), her K7 going up against Dan's A8, which held up.
Dan entered head's up well behind Mark, but in one big win he put himself in pole position, with Mark reduced to little more than the big blind. However, Mark wasn't done, and echoing Dan's amazing come back from the dead against Scott last week, he doubled up 3 times in a row to claim victory at 22:52.
Dan was understandably miffed, but took comfort in the fact that he had money for the second game, affirming his strategy of only coming to poker with a tenner really focuses his play.
But major congrats to Marky on his 2nd win of the year, coming only 2 weeks after the first.


Game 2 – 8 players - (1st IJ, 2nd Mark, 3rd Lee)

The 2nd game got going at 23:05, and Julian made a rare 1st hand exit after getting all excited with 2nd pair and a straight draw and going all in. Unfortunately for the good doctor, Mark had hit the nut straight and knocked him out (8th), amassing twice as many chips as all the other players.
The game continued at a steady pace, which proved too much for Dean, who was exhausted and incoherent. At one point he was overheard talking to his blackberry saying 'I can't make that meeting you stupid bitch.' You know things are bad for Dean when he slags off his blackberry, the ultimate love of his life. In a catatonic state, he went all in with A2, silently pleading with someone to knock him out and let him go to bed. IJ took pity and made a mercy kill with 4s, which held up. Dean asleep & out (7th).
In a massive hand that ended well for all but Barry, he went all in ahead with AK, to be called by a virtually dead Dan with 10 8 and IJ with AQ. The table cards brought an 8, a 10 & a Q, which tripled Dan up and handed IJ the rest of Baz's chips. Baz s out (6th) and was shellshocked, wandering around the room swearing, telling IJ "If your car wasn't so fucked up, I'd key it."
Dan immediately gave away his new chips, going all in with A10 and getting called by JJ with J10, which hit a J. Dan exited (5th) bemoaning the fact that he has not won a 2nd game for 17 weeks.
With 4 players left, JJ exhibited his darker, violent side. He raised with Qs, only to be re-raised all in by Mark with A8. JJ called, only to explode in rage when Mark hit a straight on the river. Before the last card had even hit the table, he totally lost it, flinging his chips violently across the table towards Mark's stacks, knocking them all over the floor. The room was a heady mix of chips and anger, with JJ fuming about the 'shocking beat'. JJ (out 4th) in a fug, had lost his composure and surely must be considered up for a serious reprimand for behaviour unbecoming a 7-year old.
The other players continued in a subdued atmosphere, IJ & Lee taking in turns to deal, while Mark slowly gathered his scattered chips and rebuilt his now massive stacks. IJ & Lee's idle speculation about which of them would succumb first was settled, when IJ hit a full house and beat Lee's A10 suited. Lee out (3rd) and Mark looked set to take his first double of the year.
Heads up began at 01:05 with small scale skirmishes, until the hand of the night knocked Mark off course from what seemed certain victory.

The hole cards produced an explosive combination of pocket Aces and pocket Kings, with IJ the holder of the better pair. Nirvana arrived on the flop, which was AA6. Mark checked, & so did IJ.
The turn brought another low card and Mark, figuring that his Kings were good, raised a pile of each. IJ reluctantly called.
The river brought sod all and Mark raised 2 piles of red. IJ re-raised all in and prayed for a call.
His prayers were answered, as Mark calculated that it was so unlikely that IJ had an ace. He was remarkably unimpressed when he saw IJ had 4 Aces and won most of his chips.
Final hand came at 01:38, after IJ went all in with K9 and Mark called with K6. They both hit 2 pair but IJ's gave him victory.
Well done IJ!


2008 Poker Rankings Table:

With neither Baz nor Lee picking up any points this week, there is no change in the top 2 positions. However, the next 4 spots have rotated, with Dan sneaking a point ahead of the Incredible Hulk (aka JJ) and IJ moving into 5th, three points above Dave.

The main mover of the week though is Mark, who's first and second have propelled him into 8th, above Sharon and Jude, and level points with Dean.

Conversation topics of the week:

The merits of a playroom kept our players occupied during the 2nd game, replacing the usual low level filth. Once we'd got over our shock that Judianne had prised their house plans out of Dean's hands for long enough to remove the basement playroom, we turned our minds to whether you need a playroom or not (personally, I do not). After all, won't the kids' toys get all over the place, without a playroom to hide them all in?
Dean pointed out that they will have a toy store in the loft, but what happens when the kids bring all the toys out of the loft and play with them in the basement? There'll be a terrible mess.
Dan suggested building an integrated logistics system into the core of the house, complete with bar codes in all the toys and a scanner to locate them.
Dean was not amused and asserted that he was not designing their whole house around his children's current ages. Will any of them still be leaving toys all over the house in 10 years time?
The only other notable conversation I can remember, was news that Dan's newly bought car engine has packed up, 2 weeks after its 3 month warranty expired. As if that wasn't galling enough, Gaby has told him that he can never buy a car again....


Jokes of the week

Thanks to Dave for this lot:

German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you"

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 quid an hour"

"Is goot" says the German, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky"

"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and after all the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?"

"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"

------------------------------------

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense..)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind"!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be disp ensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning!)

That's all folks!
ij

25 June 2008 (The Poker Suite) "3 not very wise men bring gifts for JJ"

Game 1 – 9 players - (1st Dan, 2nd Scott, 3rd Dave)

Play started at 20:39 and Jude exited first (9th), after her KJ suited ran into Dan's pocket Aces.
JJ followed soon afters (8th) after his AJ hit an Ace, but was out classed by Sharon's A10 which had hit 2 pair.
Baz went all in with J9 and Dave called with 10 7 suited. Baz hit a J on the flop but was less impressed by the turn and the river, which were both 7s, giving Dave trips and knocking Baz out (7th).
Shaz got very upset after Dave raised 3 piles of red chips with A8. She re-raised all in with her KQ, which Dave called and hit the nut flush on the river.
Scott needed incredible luck to finish Shaz off, after her A6 hit a 6 on the flop, ahead of his AK. He only had 2 kings in the pack to hit, because one would have given Shaz a flush. Unluckily for her, he hit one of the them on the river and knocked Shaz out (6th)
Scott then used AK again, this time to knock Lee out, who had K5, both of them hitting trip kings. Scott's superior kicker saw Lee exit (5th).
IJ went all in blind, with just the blind to his name. Dan and Dave called, with Dave holding an Ace. After the communal cards were laid on the table, IJ turned over Aces and tripled up.
Dan, without cash for the second game, secured at least his tenner, when he knocked IJ out (4th), who had AJ, insufficient to beat Dan's trip 10s.
Scott raised with 2nd pair (Qs), which provoked an all in raise from Dave who was holding a flush draw. Scott's Qs held up to knock Dave out (3rd).
Heads up started at a very pleasant 22:49.
In a key hand Scott's AQ held up against Dan's A8, almost eliminating Dan, who was left with three quarters of a big blind.
Dan went all in blind three hands in a row and won every time. In the fourth hand, Scott had J8 and Dan AJ and they went all in. Scott called out to the heavens for a 6 which duly came. He punched the sky in glee, until someone pointed out that he had needed a 10 to hit a straight. The 6 still gave Dan his 4th consecutive double up.
At 23:14, Dan, on a memorable return from the dead, went all in after 3 spades arrived on the flop and he hit a flush. Scott called with a pair of 6s & Dan's incredible comeback was complete.
Well done Dan - you broke your two and a half month drought, with a lot less moaning than last year.


Game 2 – 7 players - (1st JJ, 2nd Lee, 3rd Dan)

The 2nd game got going at 23:30, and Baz was out first. He had AJ and after hitting an ace on the turn, he fell into Dave's trap. Dave, who'd hit 2 pair on the flop, went all in and knocked Barry out (7th). Baz went home grumbling that he never wins when he comes to poker on his bike.
Scott gave JJ his first early Chanukah gift, when he went all in with Q9, having hit top pair. JJ was holding pocket Ks and knocked Scott out (6th).
IJ equally recklessly gave JJ his second gift of the evening, going all in with 9s, after J had already hit an Ace. IJ out (5th).
Dave then made it a hat trick of pressies for JJ, going all in with K9, which J called with AJ which turned into a flush. Dave out (4th).

Before your blogger left, we saw our nearest ever miss on the Royal Flush Pot, when only the Q of hearts preserved the big cash prize from a premature collection.

-------------------------------
JJ continues:

Short-stacked Dan was unlucky to be knocked out in 3rd with my 10 3 hitting a straight having been just a little dominated by Dan's K10.
Heads up with Lee, after a couple of hands, the flop came 559 and I checked my 59.
Lee went all-in with top pair and that was it.
Well done JJ!!!


2008 Poker Rankings Table:


Baz widens his lead over Lee to 4 points, while JJ moves 3 points closer but still has a long way to go before breaking into the top 2.
Dan crawls to a point behind JJ, perhaps the early fruits of his 2008 summer surge campaign???
Not much to report in the rest of the table, apart from Mark's escaping from Vic's shadow. His first win of the year brings him within one point of Sharon.









Depressing Fact of the week:

Marriage makes a woman more likely to become depressed.
A man, less likely.

That's all for this week folks!
ij

18 June 2008 (The Jayson's) "Mark Gets Paid in 2008"

Game 1 – 9 players - (1st Mark, 2nd Dan, 3rd Jude)

Play started at 20:40 with a discussion about whether Sharon's Chinese dentist joke was racist. Her argument that it couldn't be because it comes from her childhood didn't convince many people...
Sharon then failed to convince Jude that she had a hand, and Jude called her £4 raise, despite only holding deuces. When Sharon turned over nothing but Ace high Jude declared she knew Sharon was bluffing because "It was Sharon."
Lewis went all in after Dan re-raised him £6. Lew couldn't get away from his 2 pair, which was unfortunate for him as Dan had hit the straight on the river, devastating Lew's chip stack.
Shaz went out (9th) after hitting trip 7s in the same hand that JJ hit trip Jacks. The screams could be heard throughout East Finchley.
Lew exited next in a monster hand. IJ bet £3 with pocket 6s. Lew raised all in with A2, which Marky and JJ called. The flop came A2 which gave Lew 2 pair but he wasn't ahead for long as IJ hit a 6 on the river and knocked Lew out (8th).
Jude raised £3.50 only to be re-raised all in by Marky. She thought about it for a long time until eventually calling with a pair of tens, only to be out kickered by Mark's K. Mark, perhaps with a vision that tonight would be his night, was all smiles and congratulated Jude on calling. She gave him one of her looks (you know the one) and threatened to push him off the top of the Jayson building site and bury him in the wet concrete. So if Mark disappears you know who to direct police enquiries to...
Baz suggested burying Mark alive, but then he is obsessed by burying and bodies.
Mark was not put off his stride, taking a large pile of chips off JJ after they both hit trip Js, but his turned into a full house. Sharon was pleased that trip Js punished JJ this time, 'justice' for her defeat to them earlier.
Jude's AQ hit 2 pair on the turn and she raised the pot. Psychic Dan called with top pair and doubled her up, despite declaring that he knew that she had over cards to his.
Dan then doubled up, after calling IJ's raise. His A10 hit a 10, when IJ's AJ did nothing for him.
In the turning point of the night, Baz spent about 20 minutes considering whether to call Mark's re-raise all in. Eventually he laid it down, gifting Mark (who clearly had nothing and was totally bluffing) the game. Even worse: he then spent the rest of the game asking Mark what he had and regretting his decision. Mark seemed to be particularly enjoying goading him.
IJ was out (7th) after Dan called his all in, and Dan's 8s held up against IJ's A7.

I then went to play Super Mario Karts on the Wii but am reliably informed that the rest of the results are as follows:

JJ - 6th
Baz - 5th (stupid lay down)
Lee - 4th
Jude - 3rd
Dan - 2nd
Mark - 1st.

In the last hand, Dan held pocket Aces but slow played them until Mark hit 2 pair and romped home.
So well done Marky on your first poker win and first pay packet of any kind all year.



Game 2– 7 players - (1st Baz, 2nd IJ, 3rd Mark)

In one of the best hands all year, Lew hit a diamond straight flush, but unfortunately got so over excited that he over played it and went all in, scaring Mark off. His face was such a puddle of emotion that it was obvious he had something good, but not this good:

As his cards could not get any better, Lewis decided to call it a night and called Barry's all in. Baz had hit 2 pair which beat Lewis (out 7th). He seemed to be still raging after he'd been bluffed off QQ by JJ, who had represented a straight in an earlier hand.
Dan doubled up after hitting trip 7s, which beat Mark's top pair.
Lee was out (6th) after his pocket Js ran into IJ's pocket Aces.
Dan went all in, comfortably holding an over pair (10s) to the board. Dan explained, demonstrating his perpetual wisdom, that he was not worried about the 9 or the 3 on the table. Wise though he is, he had completely overlooked the flush which JJ was sneakily holding.
Mark then finished Dan off with 2 5 suited, which hit a 2. Dan out (5th)
This may be a good time to report Dan's hopes for a late summer surge, to take him out of 4th place. He helpfully reminded us all that last year he had a fantastic summer winning spell, which followed a long period without success. Much as we would all like history to repeat itself for Dan, we do remember only to well how his lucky spell last summer only came after he had spent 3 months whinging about his bad luck, tantalising us all with the promise to no longer play, storming out on one occasion and generally being very dull. Lord give us strength if we have to endure that again.
Anyway, back to the game, IJ went all in with KQ and knocked JJ out after his K hit. JJ out (4th)
Barry was an enormous chip leader (which he'd built up early and kept) and knocked Mark out (3rd) with a compulsory call which got lucky.
Heads up started at 12:46 and lasted only 10 minutes until IJ got optimistic with a flush draw which came to nothing.
Well done Baz!


Conversation topics:

The Borehamwood Charity poker tournament: according to our Borehamwood residents, the problem with charity poker tournaments is that if the prizes are all cash then you are under a moral/social obligation to donate them to the charity. If the prizes are gifts (like our very own tournament) then at least you can keep them.

JJ pointed out that although the prize he won at a recent tournament was an ipod that was so rubbish he hasn't opened it, at least he could keep it. If it had been cash he would have had to give it back to the charity. Much better for him to keep an unopened ipod than for the charity to get extra money....

Shock of the Week:

Went to Asher Jayson, who came downstairs late at night excitedly thinking his Dad was home, only to find 3 strange men in his kitchen, Daddy no where to be seen & Mum in the bedroom....