3 May (S&L's house) £20 loss – “Here Kitty Kitty”

Game 1 (1st Lee, 2nd David, 10 players)

Barry (AJ) was all-in versus Vic (JJ). The final jack on the flop spelt the end for tearful Barry. After going out first, Barry nipped out to get some cat food. 8 out of 10 people thought this was a good move. Only fish fucker wanted him to stay to discuss fish fellatio tactics.

Lucky Lee doubled up against Sharon with two pairs versus top pair. Sharon then doubled up versus Dave with KQ versus KJ. Dean went out with a pair of 4s to Dave who hit a lucky Q on the river. I then destroyed Jude with trip Qs and did the same to Sharon with pocket rockets.

Ilan (10 10) doubled up against Vic (A 10), but then fell to my lucky 5 on the river (trip 5s). Vic knocked out Dan with trip 5s and lucky Lee (88) doubled up against Vic’s A6. I then knocked Vic (JJ) out with a flush.

I then lost lots of chips stupidly to Dave with second pair versus top pair before the key hand of the night.

I went all-in with A6. Dave also went all-in with JJ. Lucky Lee went all-in with KQ diamonds and hit a flush on the turn. To rub it in, I’d hit two pairs (AA 66).

Heads up, there was only going to be one winner as lucky Lee won with A8 versus Dave’s 44.

Game 2 (1st Dan, 2nd Cat Fucker, 8 players)

Dan built a strong early chip lead. I lost lots of chips early on to Dean with top pair (Aces) versus Dean’s 2 pairs on the flop (AA 22). Dan KO’d lucky Lee with trip 9s versus cowboys. Barry then quadrupled up with a straight and followed up by knocking me out with trip 8s versus a lowly straight draw.

Dave (A9) then knocked Barry (A 10) out with an outrageous 9 on the river. The dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty bastard (Barry’s words).

Dean was then whittled out and Vic got lucky to out-draw Dave on the river.

Heads up saw the fish fucker take on a resurgent Dan. The flop came JJ9 and it was game over as Vic had a 9 but Dan had the J. The time was 2.15am.

Conversation topics

The highlight was undoubtedly Vic’s worryingly-quick advice on how to get a BJ from a cat. Simply stick some fish on your dick and you’re away. If it was a gefilte fish with a carrot on top, Thumper the rabbit would also get a look-in, making it a ménag(erie) a trois.

Barry showed off his better than 20:20 vision, which is so good he can see perfectly during the whole day. Shame about the other half of the day, but who goes out at night anyway?

The sweepstake was drawn to great excitement (until you got your team). Barry got Brazil. The dirty bastard. Come on Portugal.

Other topics were the rapping Rabbi, cats versus dogs (amazing that this has not been discussed before at the table) and Dean’s planning application, while discussion on Lost was banned for a week to give people the chance to catch up.

Jude looked gorgeous.

Quote of the week

Dan: “You can’t argue with a split pot”
Vic: “That’s because it’s an inanimate object”
Ilan: “Not as far as Dan is concerned”

A close second was the following beauty:

Dan: “These blinds are getting big”
Cat fucker: “That’s why they call them blinds”
Dan: “No, it’s not”.

A distant third place for Dean who comically apologised for looking at his own cards.

Au pair ratings (0 = Be’haima; 10 = supermodel)

After much thought Dean gave his au pair a solid 4 – the animal having moved back to the stables a few weeks back.

Dan also gave it considerable thought before suggesting a 3 for his au pair, 5 for her sister and 10 for their mother.

Random fact

It was a night in 100 years as the time and date showed 01.02.03 04.05.06. Watch out for next month’s devilish 06.06.06.

Gayest phone ring

Still Ilan.