Match Attack football cards disrupted the efficient 8.25 start of the first game, JJ and Dan preferring to play swapsies on their sons’ behalf than poker. Dan’s grommets seemed to prevent him from hearing the noisy complaints about his selfishness or his election as the Most Disrespectful Poker Player. Josh had no such hearing difficulty, having inherited his mother’s sensitivity to noise, and banged on the floor of his bedroom for us to keep quiet. Little could he know that the racket that was keeping him up was the rest of the players noisily complaining at the difficulty of dealing around his book of football cards, which his thoughtful Dad was playing with.
JJ remembered that he was supposed to be playing poker and got lucky when his Q10 hit 2 pair and knocked Sharon’s AJ out (10th).
As if the game wasn’t progressing slowly enough, our two lawyers began a detailed legal discussion over the merits of the Royal Flush Pot rules. Acting for the plaintiffs, Lewis argued that it was unfair to exclude him and other irregular players from a chance at the pot until they met the £10 entry specification. For the Defendants, Lee robustly articulated the reasons behind the rules, expertly citing case law and other relevant precedents. Acting for himself, Dan surprised no one by declaring that he disagreed with the rules. While he magnanimously respected the fact that we had all agreed on them, we were all wrong. The only verdict reached was that Dan has an amazing capacity to drone on about something everyone else settled months ago.
Poker resumed when Barry went all in with A10, only to run into Dan’s 44 which held up knocking Baz out (9th). Dan then went on to disguise his trip Kings enough to entice an all in out of Lew, who slinked out (8th)
IJ stayed in a hand long enough with 23 to hit his first ever straight flush in spades, taking a load of chips off Dave’s A5.
Bored of Match Attack, JJ turned to his laining for inspiration, hoping that he would be spared a repeat of Black January. But there was no relief for JJ’s despair, and Jude won an all in race with AQ against his 88, hitting a Q and doubling up at his expense.
Jude then experienced her own help from above, when she was blessed with a full house on the flop, which miraculously improved, turning into 4 tens.
JJ was out next (7th), finally able to focus on his tikun when Dave’s 88 turned into a full house beating his pocket 9s. Perhaps Richard Dawkins has the answer to preventing Black February?
IJ was out next (6th) after his 88 didn’t remain good, against A6, while Dave & Dean wasted everyone’s time arguing over whether one of them (who knows which)should be glad that his A2 didn’t encourage him to go all in. That’s 5 minutes of our lives we’ll never get back.
Lee exited next (5th), when his A3 ran into Dan’s A10 which hit a 10. Dave followed in time to concentrate on eating his donut, after his A10 of clubs gave him a nice flush draw, which didn’t materialise against Dean’s JJ.
With Dave out (4th), Dan took on the might of the Jaysons. Mr & Mrs J assumed their usual roles: Jude got on with the dirty work and knocked Dan out (3rd), her AA proving too mighty for his KQ, while Dean caressed his true love (his BlackBerry, not his Singaporean lady friend).
The first Jayson heads up that anyone could remember began. Jude quickly dismissed all suggestions that they just split the cash with a stern warning to Dean that she didn’t want him to just roll over (surely a first?)
Almost as soon as she rolled her sleeves up and began the joyous task of beating her husband, she received text message from their au pair telling her that Asher was awake, crying and asking for her. “Am I a bad mother for carrying on playing and not going to him?” she asked us all. She ignored our universal response of Yes, but not before Dean, ever the tactical genius, had spotted an opportunity. Realising that guilt may prove a more effective weapon against his wife than his poker skills, Dean pleaded with Jude to return home to their crying child. But heartless Jude was not to be deterred and claimed victory at 11pm, although not before dropping her cards into her donut and bringing a new meaning to ‘Jammy Cards’. Our winner rushed home to Asher, while Dean returned to fiddling with his BlackBerry. Well done Jude!
Game 2 – 8 players - (1st Baz, 2nd IJ, 3rd Lew)
The second game began with a revelation from Dave that he finally understood the rules, saying “We make up any old rules whenever we want” while he impatiently waited for Dan to finish his post Noah feeding cigarette. The rest of us were numbed into passivity by the Valentines slush being pumped out by Heart FM, which Lew had turned to for romantic inspiration for Sue’s card. It had to be good since his present had proved a flop before it had even been delivered. Barry took the more traditional male route and picked up 2 bunches of supermarket roses in Tescos.
Dean was unconcerned by an early heavy loss to Barry, AJ v 10s, J hits. He was being kept amused by his examination of his detailed architectural plans. At one point he laughed so loud we insisted that he shared the joke, a move that we soon regretted.
Not only did no one else find it funny, but it encouraged Dan to re-raise his favourite conversation topic: the double standards in our poker game. Why is it OK for Dean to quietly and unobtrusively read his plans in a corner of the table during the second game, when it was not OK for Dan to inconsiderately play with his son’s Match Attack Album, spreading out the book in the middle of the table, making it impossible for Lee & Jude to deal in the first game? Your blogger can’t answer that for you Dan, it must remain one of many unexplained injustices in this cruel, cruel world.
Things righted themselves a little for Dan, when he hit a flush on the turn, knocking Lee out (8th) enabling Lee to get home before midnight. Dave then knocked JJ out (7th) after his pocket Kings turned into trips, beating J’s A10. And so another ‘pointless’ week came to pass in East Finchley for our reigning champion.
Dave hit trips again, winning a battle of the low cards against Dean. His 44 didn’t need to be the trip 4s they became, to beat Dean’s pathetic 42. Dean out (6th)
Lew promptly won some of Dean’s chips, when his Q high spade flush crept past Dave’s J high flush. Dave pulled it back to knock Dan out (5th) with KQ holding up against Dan’s 89. Dave was unmoved, declaring “I've never enjoyed a game of poker less.” In case we took this the wrong way he added “It’s not the cards. It’s the company.” Ever thoughtful, Barry came to Dave’s rescue, knocking him out, and he went home (4th) warning that he might not play next week. Perhaps Dave should try playing Match Attack: Dean and JJ seemed to be enjoying themselves immensely, swapping Josh and Judah’s cards on the couch.
Then there were three: chip leader Barry, IJ who had come back from extinction after 4 consecutive double ups & chip loser Lewis.
It was all over in one mighty hand. Lew raised having hit a pair, Barry called with his favourite flush draw and IJ went all in with trip 10s. After a lot of deliberation, both Lew & Barry called. The river delivered a 5th heart, giving Baz the nut flush and victory. The game ended at 12.44, without a heads up for the first time in 2008. Well played Barry!
2008 Poker Rankings table:
Barry's 2nd game win has put him level points with Lee, but knocked Lee off the top spot, in a quirk of the excel spreadsheet that I'm sure will cause controversy. Can I say in advance: I didn't write the formula for the table, Barry did....
Dan and Dave slip a place each, but the week's biggest mover was Jude, who's victory over her husband propelled her into 5th.
Lewis' arrival low down on the table provides the only bit of good news for JJ, who's 2 measely points now put him ahead of another player (well I'm trying to look on the bright side for him...)
Conversation topics:
Wanted: an unfit, old Jewish bloke to join Lew's Sunday morning game of footie, after two of the players have had babies (quite a feat, we all agreed).
Who finally killed the friendly game of poker? Dean last week after his bad tempered rant at Barry. Dean was unbowed, telling us that he as a 'Stand Up Guy', taking a hit for the team and we should be grateful. From now on, no one should have to put up with others folding their cards after they have said 'Fold'.
JJ recognised a bargain when he saw one, and gave Lew £10 for £15 of Hamley's vouchers, but then spent ages fretting about the terms and conditions on the back.
Best wishes of the week:
To Dean & Jude who lost their garage. At long last the builders have started. The countdown has begun: for Dean and Jude who are waiting to move into their home and for the rest of us, who are waiting for the day Dean stops discussing, examining and laughing at architectural plans.
Refuah shelama to Aron Graham, who is recovering from an Op.
Jokes of the week
Thanks to Barry for:
Voted best joke of the year in Australia:
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
"Darling, this is the pig I have s3x with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies,
"I think you'll find that that's a sheep, you idiot".
The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
A long one from Lee:
School 1960 vs. School 2007
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight afterschool.
1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shakehands and end up mates.
2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives andarrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts otherstudents.
1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffreyhas a disability. Drops out of school.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.
1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.
Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .
1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.
1960 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.
2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English arequirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association filesclass action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English isbanned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart left over firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1960 - Ants die.
2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removedfrom the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator andloses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.
Fact or fiction? Please discuss, but only secretly with close friends or acase of political incorrectness for individualistic thinking will be brought
and an even longer one from Dave:
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A
A Message from John Cleese
To: The citizens of the United States of America.
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'u' will be reinstated in words such as favour and neighbour. Likewise, you will learn to spell doughnut without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. look up vocabulary.
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you are not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you are not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you are not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol which you have been calling gasoline. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having ones ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies. Dont try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1 of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent. tax collector from Her Majestys Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits cookiesand cakes strawberries in season.
God save the Queen. Only He can.
John Cleese
Sites of the week
Thanks to JJ for:
someone with far too much time on their hands...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFZevw1AHZs
David Blaine Street Magic - JJ really raved about this one on Wednesday:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=AYxu_MQSTTY&feature=related
(You may need to cut and paste into browser to get them to work)
That's all for this week folks!
ij
