21 November 2007 (S&L's and Poker Suite) - "2 England tickets for sale. Going cheap (Shite b*stards)"

Game 1 – 10 players - (1st JJ, 2nd Scott, 3rd Jude):

Sharon (JJ) all in - Dan (QQ) calls - Sharon hit J on turn and Dan out

I all in with A9 vs Lewis (A10) - 10 came and I down to 3 chips

Charlie doubles up with AQ vd A9 and A Q on board

Scotty doubled up with KK vs Dave's J9

Me all in with 77, Charlie all in with AA and Dave all in with KJ. 7 on flop and I quadruple up. Charlie doubles up in side pot and Dave short stacked

Dave (A10) all in Scott (KK) and JJ (AQ) for big side pot. Q on flop and Scott doubles up and Dave out

I all in (Q10) Jude - AJ and I am out

Lee out next, followed by Lewis and Charlie

Good call by Scott vs JJ's bluff to win big hand

Sharon all in after hitting straight on flop, only to come up against Scott's flush on the flop. Sharon out

Jude out in 3rd after hitting a K but JJ hit an Ace on river. Jude out.

JJ wins with flush. Scott 2nd

Game 2 – 9 players - (1st Charlie, 2nd Barry, 3rd Ilan):

Chaos at start of game as JJ Charlie and Lewis all knock each others chips over. Dave then knocks over Charlie's wall of chips !

Anyway Dave doubled up with JJ vs Dan's 88

Charlie hits trip 3's vs Lewis's AQ (Q on flop). Lewis out

Scott out next hand with AQ to Ilans AK - K and Q on flop

Me (AK) all in - Dan (AJ) all in. Charlie calls with 55. Dave all in with A6
4K7 on flop and I in lead - 6 and 9 next and no help to anyone else. I knock Dan and Dave out

JJ out next with A8 vs A9 of Ilan

Ilan (AJ) and A8 - Lee. no help and Lee out

Ilan (A7) Me (99) and Charlie (QQ) - Q55 on flop and Charlie wins - Ilan out in 3rd and I very short stacked.

Charlie wins soon after and me in 2nd



Poker Rankings table for this week:




Mazeltov of the Week:

Mazeltov to Gabby and Dan on the birth of Noah Jacob. 4th poker baby of 2007 !!


Football for this week:

England, shit team that they are, are not going to the European championships next summer as they lost 3-2 to Croatia (who we have just drawn against in the World cup qualifiers in 2010). Thoughts, please, on how to spend the month, instead of cheering on England.


War Story of the Week:

As discussed, and offered into the forum by Lewis, Dave's attack on Charlie's chips was like the Schlieffen Plan of the First World War.

details (for those who care) : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schlieffen_Plan


Contribution of the Week:

(Cheers JJ)

Here are 12 of the finest unintentional double-entendres aired on British TV and radio. Some you will have seen before but some are brand new.



1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator: "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator: "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977: "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."5. US PGA Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie [ Arnold > > Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said ??"
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live': "You would eat beaver if you could get it."
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set because he was laughing so hard, but so too did half the studio crew.
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North (I saw this one live): "There's nothing like getting a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny. Other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

And on that note, that's all for this week.
B.

14 November 2007 (The Poker Suite) - "Battle of the Ladies"

Game 1 – 8 players - (1st Sharon, 2nd Jude, 3rd Lee):

I won nice pot with AA vs Dan's AK (K on flop). Nice

I won another big pot vs Sharon with 2 pair (vs Q's)

I took 6 hours making a decision after Lee went all in. After ignoring the countdown, and the shouts of "come on" from everyone (except Jude - thanks Jude !) my decision was made for me by Dave who gathered all the cards together and declared the hand over.

Dan was out first to Lee's nut flush

Jude doubled up vs me with AJ vs A7

Ilan out with AK vs JJ's Q7 - A77 on flop !!

Jude (AA) knocked Dave out (K8) with K on flop. Nice

Sharon doubled up with QQ vs Lee's AK

Jude knocked me (KJ) out with A9 - 2 Aces on board and straight draw for me, but never came.

JJ out next, followed by Lee, and heads up between the ladies (first of the year) - Sharon takes the win (her 2nd of the year). Well done ladies !


Game 2 – 6 players - (1st Bazra, 2nd Dan, 3rd Lee):

I won nice early pot with trip Kings

IJ (88) out first to JJ's 10 10

Dave (55) out next to my AQ after a nice Ace on the flop. Dave sent home.

Lee quadrupled up with A10 after no one hit anything !

JJ's luck from the first game deserted him when all in with Q4 vs Dan's Q3 - Dan hit 3 on flop. JJ home in 4th

Lee (A10) vs Dan (KK) - no A came and Lee home, again, in 3rd

Heads up between me and Dan - final hand I hit 2 pair on flop, and Dan has straight and flush draw, but no help for Dan and I win.


Poker Rankings table for this week:





Jokes of the Week:


Dave actually told this joke at the poker table, but it was so good, I'm reprinting it !

5 lads in an Audi Quattro are on the hover cat ferry approaching Ireland. When they get there Paddy pulls them over on the border and says, "Sorry lads, you cant go any further".

"Why?" The driver asks.

"Because there’s 5 of you and this is an Audio Quattro. "

"What’s that got to do with it ?" asks the driver.

"Audio Quattro "says Paddy, "QUATTRO - that means 4 and there’s 5 of you in it".

"What??" replies the driver, "that’s got nothing to do with it, Quattro is just the make of the car, it’s got nothing to do with the number of passengers! "

"Sorry" replies Paddy, "Quattro means 4, you can’t fool me I’m not stupid. There’s 5 of you and you’re not crossing this border in a Quattro."

The driver can’t believe it. He tells Paddy that he wants to speak to his boss immediately.

"Sorry" says Paddy, "no can do. Murphy’s busy right now with 2 wise guys in a Fiat Uno!"


and another joke from me:

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca.
We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough



Advert of the Week:

(Thanks JJ) - [click to see]






Daft News Story of the Week:

http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30200-1292779,00.html



And on that note, that's all for this week.
B.

7 November 2007 (J&D's temp) - "It's tight at the top......."

Game 1 – 10 players - (1st JJ, 2nd Lee, 3rd Jude):

Sharon lost lots of chips early on to Vic's 2 pairs

Sharon then got lucky splitting a pot with Dave after going all in with 10 J vs KJ

Sharon doubled up with A5 vs JJ's A9 with trip 5's

Dan doubled up with AQ vs A8 of Dean after hitting Q on flop

JJ (lucky ****) doubled up with J10 vs my 55 after hitting a 10

Vic out first to JJ's full house

Dean out next to Sharon's AA

Sharon all in with KK ran into Dave's AA and unlike last week, Dave hit A on flop. Sharon out

Dan out next to JJ's AA

Jude (JJ) - JJ (KK)
flop : 8 9 10. turn : A river : 7 - Jude hit straight on river to double up - ouch !

Ilan doubled up vs JJ with AQ vs Q7. JJ very very short stacked

me (99) Lee (AJ) JJ (AK) all all in

J on turn and Lee in heaven until K on river wins it for JJ - I out. unlucky !!!

JJ doubles up again with 10 J vs Lee

And again he doubles up vs Dave with 62 spades and hit a 2 !

Another huge hand:

JJ (AJ) Dave (55) and Ilan (A9)
flop : Q 6 7 and Dave still winning
turn: 9 and Ilan now in the lead, but....
a J on the river sends Ilan and Dave out and JJ (lucky ****) now huge chip monster !

Lee cremates Jude with 4 kings

Jude doubles up twice but fulls in 3rd place to JJ's full house

JJ wins with JQ vs A9 and hits Q on flop. Lee 2nd.


Game 2 – 7 players - (1st Dave, 2nd Dean , 3rd Lee):

I lost shed loads of chips early on with KK being pipped by Lee's AA (Doh !!)

and then I got knocked out by Dean's 2 pairas on the flop to my pocket 8's. Early to bed for me....

blah blah blah until Dave finally takes it vs Dean heads up.


Poker Rankings table for this week:

Rule Amendments:
A few amendments to rules etc this week:

Blinds:

Blinds will start at 50p and go up each round £1, £2, £3, £4, £6, £8, £10 - irrespective of number of players.

Burning Cards:

Majority FOR burning cards. One card to be burnt before flop, turn and river.

Smoking Breaks:

Majority for Smoking break of 5 mins every 90 mins - if anyone wants to have a smoke in between these times then of course they can but if it is their turn and they are not seated at the table then they are folded.

Videos of the Week:

Amazing illusion :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qu9O0-xkjxA

Bull See Saw game:

Very funny, but ouch........http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHnBTqi9Ag8

2 jokes from my Dad:

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued , but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

-------------------------------------------------

Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck. Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. " Just answer the question."Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."

"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele."

Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh [dog], into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans.

Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes.

Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"

"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?


And on that note, that's all for this week.
B.