10 May (J&D's house) £60 profit – “Tell-tastic Vic”
Game 1 (1st JJ, 2nd Ilan, 10 players)
Lucky Lee walked in late and sat down at one of the unoccupied spaces at the table. Most people would have looked down at maybe 57 or 10 3 and folded graciously. Lucky Lee looked down at AA and then hit another A first card on the flop. Undeterred by the lack of a fourth A (Lee was heard to mutter what’s wrong with these cards), Lee took loads of chips from Barry who’d paired Qs and 5s on the flop.
I then lost lots of chips to Scott (K diamonds) having flopped a flush but then a fourth diamond came on the turn. The dirty bastard.
In a big turnaround hand for me, I raised £5 with 10 10 and got two calls from Dan and Vic. I tripped 10s on the flop (3 clubs) and went all-in. Vic and Dan (who showed A of clubs) both folded.
Lucky Lee then built a monster lead with a full house against Dave and Aces against Scott.
Dan got lucky against me with KJ against AK with a split pot on the river.
Lucky Lee (JJ) went further ahead hitting trips on the flop to KO both Scott and Vic (who both had AK). Scott took defeat well, wishing a car crash on Lee and then threatening to text him the winner of the Apprentice (he later backtracked on this just hoping it was a dent costing at least £1,000 but with no injuries).
Barry doubled up against Dave with pocket rockets.
Dave knocked out Jude. Ilan (99) then all-but KO’d Dan (AK lost again).
Lucky Lee (A 10) hit two pairs against Ilan’s (AK) – which lost yet again.
I then knocked out Barry (A9) with AK (see, it’s not such a bad hand) and then Dean also, while Dave finished off Dan’s last 50p.
Lee’s luck started to change from hereon in as his monster lead and monster doesn’t really do it justice was dwindled to nothing.
In a crucial hand for me (KQ), I called Dave’s (88) all-in and knocked him out. Yes I know, I’m a dirty bastard (x8).
That left me, Ilan and Lee. In an outstanding lay-down I had 10 10 and Ilan had 77 and the flop came 532. I went all-in and Ilan very wisely laid the hand down. The final two cards would have been 10 7. Ilan then took Lee out.
Heads-up there were a few minor swing hands before I put Ilan (J 10) all-in with 55 and a straight draw on the flop. The turn delivered the straight and it was all over.
Game 2 (1st Dave, 2nd Tell-tastic Vic, 8 players)
Vic raised £5.50 early on with JQQ9Q out. Opus Dei member Barry called with a full house (QQQJJ). Vic showed the final Q to decimate Barry’s chips. Shortly after Barry (pair 10s) was KO’d by Dean (paired Aces).
Ilan got a lucky straight against Vic (trip Qs) on the river to gain lots of chips.
I then lost lots of chips to Dan who hit a fortunate K on the turn.
Lucky Lee experienced his first double exit since early March (when Sharon won!) – falling to Dean (2 pairs). Before that, you’d have had to go back to the Black Death in 1348-50 to find when he last didn’t place in a game of poker.
I went all-in with 55 after a low flop and Dan called and got lucky to hit not one but two Q’s on the turn and the river.
Vic summarises the end as follows:
“After some discussion over whether the blinds should be 5 or 6 led by shot stirrer Lee, who wasn't even in the game at that point, the evening progressed to plan. Last 4 were Ilan, Dan, me & Dave. Ilan was blinded out and Dan departed when he hit a pair of 6s on the flop against Dave’s pair of queens. After half an hour of even heads up, I was caught representing an A I didn't have and we packed up.”
Conversation topics
Perhaps the most shocking topic was that Lee revealed Sharon had plans to buy a linen basket for an average price of £60. Clearly Lee’s all too frequent poker winnings are going to Sharon’s head. You’ll be pleased to know you can buy the one below for the princely sum of £9.70 including delivery http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Ikea-White-Laundry-Linen-Basket-Bin-Bag-Clothes-Sorter_W0QQitemZ4461264050QQcategoryZ43517QQrdZ1QqcmdZViewItem. Alternatively, the cheapest (£3.49) I can find is http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Washing-basket-laundry-linen-bin-foldable-bathroom-BN_W0QQitemZ4459814269QQcategoryZ43517QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
Another interesting topic was guessing how long Dean had spent at work since Monday. ‘Barry Brazil’ unsurprisingly was spot on with 41 hours (excluding travel to work, work socials and working from home).
On the box, Middlesbrough were hammered 4-0 while the wisdom of selecting Walcott for the World Cup was discussed.
Elsewhere, Ilan and Jude argued over who was the least frum with Ilan the worthy winner of a place in hell.
Quote of the week
Lee “Sharon’s buying a linen basket”
Vic “Who’s interested in that”
Dave “You should be, Pauline”
On the Badger:
Dean “I like Ruth now I know she eats minge”
Dave “she uses pubes as dental floss”
Vic’s top 10 tells (despite all these, well done on coming second)
Vic was in tell-tastic form. Here’s this week’s top 10 tells.
1. Lost his voice when saying “check”
2. Put his coat on
3. Puts his bicycle clips on
4. Tuts loudly
5. Tuts quietly
6. Mutters to himself something about pot odds or a random percentage figures
7. Says “I’m glad you didn’t call that”
8. Says “you can’t have the Queen” knowing he’s sitting there with 4 of a kind
9. Starts putting fish paste on his knob
10. Stands up and looks over his shoulder at the table
World’s worst work experience job
Job shadowing Dean for a few days. It’s enough to put you off work for life.
3 May (S&L's house) £20 loss – “Here Kitty Kitty”
Game 1 (1st Lee, 2nd David, 10 players)
Barry (AJ) was all-in versus Vic (JJ). The final jack on the flop spelt the end for tearful Barry. After going out first, Barry nipped out to get some cat food. 8 out of 10 people thought this was a good move. Only fish fucker wanted him to stay to discuss fish fellatio tactics.
Lucky Lee doubled up against Sharon with two pairs versus top pair. Sharon then doubled up versus Dave with KQ versus KJ. Dean went out with a pair of 4s to Dave who hit a lucky Q on the river. I then destroyed Jude with trip Qs and did the same to Sharon with pocket rockets.
Ilan (10 10) doubled up against Vic (A 10), but then fell to my lucky 5 on the river (trip 5s). Vic knocked out Dan with trip 5s and lucky Lee (88) doubled up against Vic’s A6. I then knocked Vic (JJ) out with a flush.
I then lost lots of chips stupidly to Dave with second pair versus top pair before the key hand of the night.
I went all-in with A6. Dave also went all-in with JJ. Lucky Lee went all-in with KQ diamonds and hit a flush on the turn. To rub it in, I’d hit two pairs (AA 66).
Heads up, there was only going to be one winner as lucky Lee won with A8 versus Dave’s 44.
Game 2 (1st Dan, 2nd Cat Fucker, 8 players)
Dan built a strong early chip lead. I lost lots of chips early on to Dean with top pair (Aces) versus Dean’s 2 pairs on the flop (AA 22). Dan KO’d lucky Lee with trip 9s versus cowboys. Barry then quadrupled up with a straight and followed up by knocking me out with trip 8s versus a lowly straight draw.
Dave (A9) then knocked Barry (A 10) out with an outrageous 9 on the river. The dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty bastard (Barry’s words).
Dean was then whittled out and Vic got lucky to out-draw Dave on the river.
Heads up saw the fish fucker take on a resurgent Dan. The flop came JJ9 and it was game over as Vic had a 9 but Dan had the J. The time was 2.15am.
Conversation topics
The highlight was undoubtedly Vic’s worryingly-quick advice on how to get a BJ from a cat. Simply stick some fish on your dick and you’re away. If it was a gefilte fish with a carrot on top, Thumper the rabbit would also get a look-in, making it a ménag(erie) a trois.
Barry showed off his better than 20:20 vision, which is so good he can see perfectly during the whole day. Shame about the other half of the day, but who goes out at night anyway?
The sweepstake was drawn to great excitement (until you got your team). Barry got Brazil. The dirty bastard. Come on Portugal.
Other topics were the rapping Rabbi, cats versus dogs (amazing that this has not been discussed before at the table) and Dean’s planning application, while discussion on Lost was banned for a week to give people the chance to catch up.
Jude looked gorgeous.
Quote of the week
Dan: “You can’t argue with a split pot”
Vic: “That’s because it’s an inanimate object”
Ilan: “Not as far as Dan is concerned”
A close second was the following beauty:
Dan: “These blinds are getting big”
Cat fucker: “That’s why they call them blinds”
Dan: “No, it’s not”.
A distant third place for Dean who comically apologised for looking at his own cards.
Au pair ratings (0 = Be’haima; 10 = supermodel)
After much thought Dean gave his au pair a solid 4 – the animal having moved back to the stables a few weeks back.
Dan also gave it considerable thought before suggesting a 3 for his au pair, 5 for her sister and 10 for their mother.
Random fact
It was a night in 100 years as the time and date showed 01.02.03 04.05.06. Watch out for next month’s devilish 06.06.06.
Gayest phone ring
Still Ilan.
Barry (AJ) was all-in versus Vic (JJ). The final jack on the flop spelt the end for tearful Barry. After going out first, Barry nipped out to get some cat food. 8 out of 10 people thought this was a good move. Only fish fucker wanted him to stay to discuss fish fellatio tactics.
Lucky Lee doubled up against Sharon with two pairs versus top pair. Sharon then doubled up versus Dave with KQ versus KJ. Dean went out with a pair of 4s to Dave who hit a lucky Q on the river. I then destroyed Jude with trip Qs and did the same to Sharon with pocket rockets.
Ilan (10 10) doubled up against Vic (A 10), but then fell to my lucky 5 on the river (trip 5s). Vic knocked out Dan with trip 5s and lucky Lee (88) doubled up against Vic’s A6. I then knocked Vic (JJ) out with a flush.
I then lost lots of chips stupidly to Dave with second pair versus top pair before the key hand of the night.
I went all-in with A6. Dave also went all-in with JJ. Lucky Lee went all-in with KQ diamonds and hit a flush on the turn. To rub it in, I’d hit two pairs (AA 66).
Heads up, there was only going to be one winner as lucky Lee won with A8 versus Dave’s 44.
Game 2 (1st Dan, 2nd Cat Fucker, 8 players)
Dan built a strong early chip lead. I lost lots of chips early on to Dean with top pair (Aces) versus Dean’s 2 pairs on the flop (AA 22). Dan KO’d lucky Lee with trip 9s versus cowboys. Barry then quadrupled up with a straight and followed up by knocking me out with trip 8s versus a lowly straight draw.
Dave (A9) then knocked Barry (A 10) out with an outrageous 9 on the river. The dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty bastard (Barry’s words).
Dean was then whittled out and Vic got lucky to out-draw Dave on the river.
Heads up saw the fish fucker take on a resurgent Dan. The flop came JJ9 and it was game over as Vic had a 9 but Dan had the J. The time was 2.15am.
Conversation topics
The highlight was undoubtedly Vic’s worryingly-quick advice on how to get a BJ from a cat. Simply stick some fish on your dick and you’re away. If it was a gefilte fish with a carrot on top, Thumper the rabbit would also get a look-in, making it a ménag(erie) a trois.
Barry showed off his better than 20:20 vision, which is so good he can see perfectly during the whole day. Shame about the other half of the day, but who goes out at night anyway?
The sweepstake was drawn to great excitement (until you got your team). Barry got Brazil. The dirty bastard. Come on Portugal.
Other topics were the rapping Rabbi, cats versus dogs (amazing that this has not been discussed before at the table) and Dean’s planning application, while discussion on Lost was banned for a week to give people the chance to catch up.
Jude looked gorgeous.
Quote of the week
Dan: “You can’t argue with a split pot”
Vic: “That’s because it’s an inanimate object”
Ilan: “Not as far as Dan is concerned”
A close second was the following beauty:
Dan: “These blinds are getting big”
Cat fucker: “That’s why they call them blinds”
Dan: “No, it’s not”.
A distant third place for Dean who comically apologised for looking at his own cards.
Au pair ratings (0 = Be’haima; 10 = supermodel)
After much thought Dean gave his au pair a solid 4 – the animal having moved back to the stables a few weeks back.
Dan also gave it considerable thought before suggesting a 3 for his au pair, 5 for her sister and 10 for their mother.
Random fact
It was a night in 100 years as the time and date showed 01.02.03 04.05.06. Watch out for next month’s devilish 06.06.06.
Gayest phone ring
Still Ilan.
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