Game 1 – 10 players - (1st Danturd, 2nd Me, 3rd Sharonturd):Leeturd laid down AA after Daveturd reraised £6 with trip 8's
I won nice pot with straight
Scottturd out first at 8.50pm to Daveturd with 10 7 (2 pair) vs J 10 (higher 2 pair)
Charlieturd out next with A 10 (A on flop) to Danturd's flush
I won huge hand vs JJturd with AQ vs KQ
I knock JJturd out with straight (A 10) vs 10 10 with KQJ on flop
Ilanturd doubles up in huge hand with straight vs Sharonturd's trip Jacks
Leeturd (A2) out next going all in with a raise of £5.25. I call with 78. 9 10 J on flop and all over
Judeturd doubles up with flush vs Daveturd
Daveturd (99) vs Sharonturd (KK). 9 on turn and Sharonturd shouts "Oh you fuckers", only to find out she actually had a flush and doubled up, shouting, "Oh that's alright then"
Judeturd out next to Danturd
Ilanturd out next with 55 to Daveturd's 10 10
I knock Daveturd out nexct with Q7 vs AJ - nothing hit
Sharonturd doubles up vs me with 22 vs AK hearts (unnecessary 2 hitting on river)
Danturd doubled up with AK vs Sharonturd's QJ - AK on flop and A on river give Danturd a full house
Sharonturd out next, in 3rd place, to me with KQ hitting QQ on board.
Me and Danturd heads up and huge swing hand saw me hitting straight, only to find Danturd had higher nuts straight. DOH-turd !!
All over soon after, Danturd winner, me second.
Game 2 – 9 players - (1st JJturd, 2nd Daveturd, 3rd Leeturd):Charlieturd out first with a straight on the flop to Scottturd's trips - but Scottturd wins with full house after board paired up on river
I won big hand vs Leeturd with AJ vs A2 with AA on board
Daveturd won big hand vs me with AQ 2 pair vs my AJ lower two pair
Ilanturd out next to JJturd
I out next to JJturd with AJ vs KJ, but K on flop
Judeturd gets lucky on river hitting Q on river for full house vs Daveturd's KK
Judeturd donated shed loads of chips after JJturd raised it large. Judeturd called showing 55, much to everyone's surprise eith lots of high cards on board (JJturd hit his Q)
In a massive hand, JJturd (QJ) calls Judeturd's all in (A10) and Leeturd's all in (J9). 9 and 10 on flop helped Leeturd then Judeturd but Q on river wins it for JJturd and Leeturd and Judeturd both out (but Leeturd gets third place as had more chips then Judeturd)
In the second hand heads up, Daveturd goes all in with K6, JJturd calls with K2, and two 2's on the board give JJturd trips, and victory. Dirty bas-turd.
Turd Rankings table for this week:
Conversation Topics:
"You raise me up", and "Just the two of us" banned from being sung at table after this weeks Karaoke fest
Facebook talk.
Royal society of c*nts.
Charlieturd is too hairy for Lesbians. Lots of talk about Lesbians. Charlie advised us to read this book. How he knew it existed, is beyond me. (love the comment left by "A reader" : "
My advice is don't wrap it up for Christmas and then forget to remove it from the pile of other presents. Went down like Ruud van Nistelrooy in the oppositions penalty box when she unwrapped it on Christmas morning in front of her mum, but hey, who cares? Other than that a very insightful and informative book. ")
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hand-Bush-Fine-Vaginal-Fisting/dp/1890159026/ref=sr_1_2/026-8440729-0039601?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1186136054&sr=8-2JJturd is right - you can see the blog in a search for poker elite in google blog search.
Talking of turds, this got me searching and lo and behold:
http://www.bazturd.com/Also a very funny video from Daveturd:
http://www.ifilm.com/profile/DaveTurd/video/2801396theres even a Judeturd, but shes not got much to say :
http://www.bebo.com/Blog.jsp?MemberId=4223644630Leeturd been at the blogging too:
http://community.livejournal.com/rachael_ray_sux/1189815.htmlQuotes of the Night:
Me: "How much you raising?"
Ilanturd: "How much to get you to fold?"
Me: "All in"
Ilanturd: "Ok, All in"
Me: "Fold"
Judeturd: "not all women want the cock"
Pictures of the Week:Frank Lampard can't understand why he failed the medical at Barcelona.
News Stories of the Week:http://uk.news.yahoo.com/itn/20070801/tuk-double-bubble-for-lucky-lotto-man-dba1618.html(what they don't tell you is that the other 3 people who won, missed out on £120,000 (instead of a quarter of the £2.6m jackpot, they won a fifth - poor sods !)
and this explains a lot.....
http://investing.reuters.co.uk/news/articlenews.aspx?type=topNews&storyID=2007-07-26T230352Z_01_L26891328_RTRUKOC_0_UK-MARIJUANA-PYSCHOSIS.xml
Video of the Week:
Crikey. Pretty bad scooter crash. Be careful.
http://www.killsometime.com/video/video.asp?ID=991And this strange video from Ilanturd:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8245891098983791416
Last Year's Blog – This Time Last Year:
Dan arrived nice and early while Dean arrived at 9.45pm. Dean was in an excitable mood as his career in pyramid selling is close to paying off. Just shows you that if you stick around long enough in these schemes they do pay off. Accenture have a new pyramid scheme that starts when you make partner, but they do ask for just a little more of your time.
Quotes on the night last year:
Charlie: “He’s English but he’s black”
Barry: “I’ve finished now with the dentist”
JJ: “That just leaves the brain surgery then”
JJ had a nice quote in the blog re the fast of Tammuz: "To all those fasting tonight/tomorrow fast well. To all those not fasting, I hope you choke."
True Story of the Week:The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them - Pass on this advice !!
SPECIAL ONE OFF FEATURE : - Bad Day at the office ?
Funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial 'water heater'; this $20,000 piece of equipment sucks water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my ass was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".
In the week that Deanturd officially calls "The start of the countdown to Xmas", I can rejoice in the luxury of knowing that I only have 21 more blogs to go, before I pass on the hallowed reins to Ilanturd
And on that note, that's all for this week.
B(turd).
