29 May 2007 (The Poker Suite) -"Vegas Beware - JC's on his way"

Game 1 – 7 players - (1st Jammy Dave, 2nd Sharon, 3rd Barry):

In the first big hand of the night, Sharon (22) vs me (QJ), after QQ10 on flop, with bets and raises, checks on the turn (A) and the luckiest card in the world for Sharon on the river (2) giving her full house (C*NT x 99)

That got us talking about the word c*nt :

Sharon: "Jude likes the word now"
Ilan:"She married one"

Jude and Dave split a big pot with KKK99

I knocked jetlagged Ilan out with 777 vs 2 pair

Sharon knocked Jude out with higher straight vs lower straight

Lee's theory of 3 consecutive cards on flop proved to be accurate pretty much most of the night

Sharon lost lots of chips calling Dave all in, thinking her nut flush had won, only to be suckered by Dave's Full House. DOH !

I won big hand vs Dean with 2 pair

Dave knocked Dean out

Sharon (AA) knocked Lee out

Dave knocked me out into 3rd place with trip 9's

Sharon and Dave heads up. Dave big chip leader. Dave takes it. Sharon 2nd


Game 2 – 4 players !- (1st King Jam of Jamville, 2nd Dean, 3rd Barry):

Lee out in first place in 4th place to Dean

Jammy C*nt (A10) me (22) - 10 on river shafted me with an extra portion of Jam

Dean knocked me out a couple of hands later

Dean (AK) Dave (10 10) Dean hits Ace on flop but Jammy C*nt hits 10 on river again to shaft Dean with a double helping of the sticky stuff.

next, (A9) Dean, Dave all in (K8) - Dean calls. K on flop and Jammy c*nt wins the double with about as much luck as one person could possibly have !


Poker Rankings table for this week:





Joke of the Week:
(old, but funny !)



'Hello?'

'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?'

'No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now.'

Brief Pause. 'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it Daddy.'

'And what happened honey?' he asked.

'Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my G-d!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'



***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** ***Even Longer Pause***


Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? ............Is this 486-5731?'



Pictures of the Week:

The luckiest monkey in the zoo?










Worried News Reader of the Week:

Last Year's Blog:

Dean had promised Jude (again !) that he would be sat at the poker table by 9.00pm. Jude commented that she totally believed him and would put money on him being there on time. When he phoned Jude at 8.55 to tell her he was just leaving the office, Dean must have sensed her anger, as 20 minutes later he turns up, after hailing a cab to get to Poker in extra quick time.

Dave got his Z4 exactly a year ago, and JJ was still on holiday (as he is this week of this year !), so no £5 specials for a while.........

This time last year the 2nd game started at 12.25am. A new record. Only because Dean, Lee and Dan in first game spent 90 mins trying to get to heads up.

SPECIAL ONE OFF FEATURE : - Optical Illusions
(Click to see)




Good luck to Dave in Vegas next week - hopefully, regular tournament updates will appear in the blog in the next few weeks.

And on that note, that's all for this week.

B.

21 May 2007 (The Poker Suite) - "Don't forget your toothbrush"

Game 1 – 8 players - (1st Dean, 2nd Sharon, 3rd Jude):

Dean won big hand vs Ilan with KKK on river vs AA (Q)

Dean won huge pot vs me and Ilan

I doubled up with pocket Kings vs Dean's 10 J

board: 6 J J 6 K Jude all in (KK) Dave called (10 10). Jude Full house

Next hand, I knocked Dave out with AA vs 88

James all in with 10 10 - Dean calls (QJ) Q out first, and James sent packing

I knock IJ out after hitting a straight on River which gave Ilan a pair of aces

Next hand Jude (84) called Lee (A10)'s all in (raise £2.75). 2 8's on board with 2 5's gave Jude full house. Lee out to his 'favourite' hand

Good lay down by Dean after being re raised by Jude (Jude - straight, Dean trips)

Sharon knocked me out, hitting 2 pair to my failed flush draw

Sharon then knocked Jude out into 3rd place

Heads up Dean huge chip leader after Sharon missed a straight draw and called Dean's all in.

Dean won it with trip 9's


Game 2 – 5 players - (1st Barry, 2nd Lee, 3rd Ilan):

Dave won big hand doubling up vs Dean with straight vs 2 pair

I took Dean out with pair of Kings vs pair of 7's

I won a big pot vs Dave after flop

Lee doubled up with A3 vs Dave

I knocked Dave out with KJ (flush draw) vs Dave's K3 (3 on flop) - only to hit lucky J on turn. Dave sent home with just a steak (mixed grill) to show for the evening.

Ilan went all in with AJ - I called with A5 but again, I got lucky hitting 5 on the river. Ilan sent packing to Atlanta

Heads up with Lee - lots of small hands until Lee all in A8, I call with 10 J (both diamonds). First 2 cards of the flop are Jacks, and with trip Jacks, it's all over.


Poker Rankings table for this week:




Conversation Topics:

The father in law of a poker member has been eating Halal take away thinking it was the Kosher place next door. OOPS !

Jude did the longest, loudest burp by a woman, ever !

Lots of talk about toothbrushes after Jude revealed that Asher pleasured Jonah with his toothbrush. Lots of oral, flossing and other dental related talk most of the night.

Dean had an announcement to make in the 2nd game. He is doing a 10K run in July and has 8 weeks to train. My money's on collapsing after 6K. Oh, and it's a work thing, so all of Accenture will be counting on him.


Quotes of the Night:

Dean's countdown to Xmas has started - "Once August is out of the way, It's almost X-mas"

Dean "You're not calling me, Barry ?"
Barry: "calling you a c*nt"


Congratulations:

To Gabby and Dan who are expecting their 3rd child. Mazeltov.


Pictures of the Week:

Seeing as though I bought my bike last week, a biking question:

What is the difference between a French biker and a Moroccan biker ?

French:



Morrocan:




T-Shirts of the Week:









Economy of the Week:






Last Year's Blog:

"James, whose wife is unfortunately out of town, took his au pair out for dinner (candles? Roses?) to try and prevent her giving notice. The sexual orientation of other au pairs was discussed but circumstantial evidence is no evidence and so had to be discounted. We still need alternative career suggestions for Dean if he is not promoted. Sharon thought that his people skills would be put to good use as a postman and James reckoned that he would be useful as his assistant, especially for booking flights. We would also be grateful if someone can explain how to answer Sharon in a text message in an appropriate manner. She was outraged when she asked a question and the questionee had the cheek to respond with the answer, leaving 6 blokes largely mystified. "

Music Video of the week:

As we are playing Monday (due to Shavuot) I don't know the score of the Champions league final on Weds (Liverpool vs AC Milan again) - but to get you in the mood, here's a music video, to help you chant during the match (Maybe just me then and any Man Utd fans, depressed over the FA cup defeat - what an exciting game that was !!!!) . Anyway, not holding much hope that we'll beat AC Milan - I think their desire to avenge the 2005 final will outplay our desire to win it again. Oh well.....time will tell..... (luckily Shavout falls on Wednesday Shmodesh, so we can all watch the match)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfdXzUWogjo

SPECIAL ONE OFF FEATURE : - Life. Backwards

I want to live my next life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.


And on that note, that's all for this week. Have a good Shavuot.

B.

16 May 2007 (The Poker Suite) - "Scooby Dooby Dean, where are you ?"

Game 1 – 10 players - (1st Lee, 2nd Dan , 3rd Charlie):

Charlie folded what would have been a straight flush.

JJ (QQ) was out first to Dave (AA)

Big split pot (full house) for Sharon and Charlie

I was dumped out next, relegated to the couch to watch the Apprentice

Jude was out next - Charlie saw her off with 2 pairs (K's & 9's) vs her flush draw

Dave (J6) knocked out next by Sharon (23)

Dean's chips ran out at 10.30pm - blinded down to nothing. An hour and a half after he said he would be there. SHAME ON YOU. Lots of people to grass up obviously, this week.

Lee knocked Sharon out with 56 spades vs 58 hitting a spade flush

Dan all in - hit a pair of 6's on the flo. Charlie called (hit a 10) but Q on river gave Dan 2 pair.

Charlie out in 3rd

Lee hit lucky flush to double up heads up and be back in contention

Then, Lee (KQ) vs Dan (JJ) - K hit and Lee winner. Dan 2nd


Game 2 – 8 players - (1st Barry, 2nd JJ, 3rd Dave ):


Blue cards were discarded after Charlie marked the 8 hearts. More shockingly, Lee had spotted it last week and kept shtum. Explains the first game's victory !!

Ilan split a pot with JJ with A low straight, which Ilan hadn't spotted

First beer spillage in the poker suite ---> (no, not Vic), but Farty Dean

Charlie out 1st in 4th hand of game 2 with a straight to Dave's higher straight.

Ilan out next to Dean's KKK

Dan out next running into Dean's full house on flop.

JJ doubled up hitting straight on flop to Dean's 77

Dean (flush) doubled up vs Dave's 2 pair

In two hands, I mullered smelly Dean - first with KK vs his pair of Q's on flop, and then sent him packing with a full house.

Lee was out next to me (pair of 10's).

I then took Dave out with AK vs KQ after both hitting K on flop. Revenge for the abuse after being knocked out in first game. Sweet.

I was big chip leader going into heads up, but JJ fought back but eventually I took it with A2 vs JJ's Q3, after an Ace flopped giving me the victory, and sending JJ to Tesco.


Poker Rankings table for this week:




Conversation Topics:

Dean's no show in game 1 caused a stir. Then, when he did turn up, all he did was eat peas, and fart. Lovely.



Quote of the Night:

Jude: " I went to see Scooby Doo with the kids" [at the theatre]
Charlie: "How did they do the dog ?"


Joke of the Week:

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."



Pictures of the Week:




Videos of the Week:

what a goal. I tried this the last time I played football. That was 5 months ago. I pulled my back attempting to cross the ball like this, and now won't play again. Doh !

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1xfy6_ifk-gateborg-04-andres-vasquez




Last Year's Blog:

JJ was away, luckily, so missed the abuse about Arsenal crashing out of the Champions league. Danisms :

1. According to Dan, having a warm beer is like sleeping with a beautiful girl, only to find that it’s your sister. This provoked some discussion over whether this would also apply in Dan's World if you found that it was a bloke and how exactly the mechanics of that would work anyway.

Wouldn’t you get a bit suspicious when told to bend over and spread ‘em? Finally, the table concluded that the problem can be solved by simply having the warm beer.

2. Dan also attempted to provoke a discussion on the worst hand that had lost tonight. Luckily, Barry quickly headed this off with a bit of anglo saxon and the word “off”. Seemed to do the trick.

SPECIAL ONE OFF FEATURE : - What Poker players get up to at the weekend:

JJ decided to fight back after being caught speeding :


Dean had another late night at the office :


Scott went to another Fancy dress party:


Vic held a party at home to celebrate finishing the Shul Rosh Hashanah newsletter 5 months early:



And Finally, when Jude suggested her children paint in the lounge...





And on that note, that's all for this week.

B.

9 May 2007 (The Poker Suite) - "Dean - CV Ssssssnake in the Grassssssss"

Game 1 – 10 players - (1st Lucky Dave, 2nd Sharon, 3rd JJ):

Dave lost lots of chips in early hand to JJ

I lost lots of chips with AK to Sharons 99, but in next hand won it all back with AA to Sharon's AK

JJ won big hand from Sharon

Sharon nut flush was nice hand vs JJ

James out first to Sharon(QQ) with (QK- straight draw)

Jude out with AK vs Dave's KK

Sharon then suckered me with AQ - nut flush vs my pair of Jacks

Lee out next to Dan (33) with Straight draw that never came.

ilan out next to Dave

Dean faxed out by Dave

sharon knocked out dan, catching a straight on the River

Dave knocked JJ out

Dave winner against Sharon, winning a lucky hand with a lucky 6 on river which should have been a split pot



Game 2 – 7 players - (1st Lucky Dave, 2nd JJ, 3rd Lee):

I hit a full house and a flush in 2 hands vs Dean

Dean (666KK) was knocked out first by JJ (KKK77) - as predicted correctly by Ilan

Dan all in after flop with AA
Dave called (pair 8's)
JJ called (trip 10's)

Dave hit very lucky straight on river to double up. Dan sent packing by JJ's side pot

Ilan (AK) out next to JJ (10 10)

JJ then knocked me out,

Lee out next, and Dave winner over JJ


Poker Rankings table for this week:






Conversation Topics:

Dean grassing up a fellow employee by emailing HR when finding a CV in the fax machine, mortgages, Jude and Dean's new house (hopefully) & the Apprentice were all discussed


Quote of the Night:

Dean: "I can't stand people who don't know what's going on [in poker game]"


Congratulations:

To Jonah J who is 5 today.

And to Liverpool Football Club for knocking out Chelsea in the Champions league semi final last week, and to AC Milan for knocking out Man Utd (Ha Ha). Will AC Milan get their revenge for 2005 's exciting final ? Or will Liverpool once again reign supreme in Europe ??? Watch this nervous space.



Song of the Week:

Adam Sandler's famous Chanukah song. Very good - Great video - don't forget to smoke your marijuanukkah! !!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwYQBV66rbM&mode=related&search=



Videos of the Week:

The Hoff falls off the wagon !
http://news.sky.com/skynews/video/videoplayer/0,,31200-1264113,00.html

Goalkeeping gaff!!!
http://news.sky.com/skynews/video/videoplayer/0,,31200-1263552,.html



News Stories of the Week:

Alas, the goat passes away. Poor bloke. Embarrassed around the world and now wifeless.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/6619983.stm

Link of the Week:

Odd Odd Odd. But mighty fine idea !!

https://email.standardbank.com/exchweb/bin/redir.asp?URL=http://www.surrenderedwife.com/index.html

Pics of the Week:

(click to make bigger:)

Anyone need a Doctor?

Last Year's Blog:

Perhaps the most shocking topic was that Lee revealed Sharon had plans to buy a linen basket for an average price of £60. Another interesting topic was guessing how long Dean had spent at work since Monday. ‘Barry Brazil’ unsurprisingly was spot on with 41 hours (excluding travel to work, work socials and working from home). The 'wisdom' of selecting Walcott for the World Cup was discussed. Elsewhere, Ilan and Jude argued over who was the least frum with Ilan the worthy winner of a place in hell.

SPECIAL ONE OFF FEATURE : - Vic's Tells from this time last year:

Vic was in tell-tastic form this week last year. Here’s his top 10 tells.

1. Lost his voice when saying “check”
2. Put his coat on
3. Puts his bicycle clips on
4. Tuts loudly
5. Tuts quietly
6. Mutters to himself something about pot odds or a random percentage figures
7. Says “I’m glad you didn’t call that”
8. Says “you can’t have the Queen” knowing he’s sitting there with 4 of a kind
9. Starts putting fish paste on his knob (?????)
10. Stands up and looks over his shoulder at the table



And on that note, that's all for this week.

B.