29 March (S&L's house) £20 loss – “Joy for Jude as Binman narrowly misses out on lottery jackpot”

Game 1 (1st Jude, 2nd The Shuffler, 10 players)

The first clash of the night saw Dave’s 2 pairs (AA 10 10) beating Sharon’s 2 pairs (10 10 7 7).

Annoyingly I lost a lot of chips to Jude (44) versus my A2 (A on the flop) only for 4 hearts to appear on the board.

Sharon and Charlie then both hit straights on the flop but Charlie, who’d hit the low straight, got lucky when 4 diamonds appeared on the board.

A massive hand saw Pauline Fowler triple up with a full house. Flopping trip 6s Puss was shocked when Lee hit the nut flush on the turn. Mr Unlucky had several outs but was still exceptionally lucky to pair the board and hit a full boat.

Lee then knocked Sharon out, before tripling up against me (why did I raise £5 with K8?) and James (99). As I said at the time, “I don’t think I did anything wrong”. This fact was proven the very next hand as James went all-in with a much inferior hand (K7) and also lost unsurprisingly.

The next hand saw Dave on the come – sadly it never came, but Ilan did as he hit a full house when all-in.

Marc repeated his trick of not knowing what cards he has calling Ilan’s all-in with an imaginary pair of 6s (it was a 5). Get your eyes checked.

Marc’s highlight of the evening was dealing the following cards on the board 3KQKQ.

Jude was now monster chip leader and it was clearly affecting her play as she called another £2.25 with 62 when only 34 or 35 would have seen her win the pot.

Marc then reeled in The Shuffler with 2 pairs (JJ 66) only for Puss to get very lucky with 4 clubs on the board.

Heads-up, Jude (AA) was delighted when she hit trip As early on, although she seemed to think she was behind at one point to Mr Unlucky’s top pair of Ks. The photo we took was superseded later by Ilan’s wonder-hand.

The chips moved from Jude to Vic and back to Jude in a dull heads-up battle, which was a slow as one of Binman’s dustcarts. Congratulations to Jude on the first Jayson win of 2006.

Game 2 (1st Lee, 2nd Ilan, 6 players)

In a repeat of the previous week’s heads-up action, Lee strolled to victory against Ilan.

The game started late. Paul had showed remarkable restraint to sit through an entire hand when in hand 2, Dave re-raised Paul’s £3 raise another £4.50. Announcing the late hour, Paul re-raised Dave another £3 only for Dave to raise all-in. Paul called with KK (top pair) and A kicker and walked into trip 8s. No need to come in next week Paul – just leave your tenner by the door.

Dave then milked Vic lovely until his nipples were sore with a diamond flush.

The hand of the night (see photo) followed as Ilan hit 4 Aces (his best ever hand) but didn’t extract much cash.
















Dave then clashed with Lee who dented Dave’s large chip lead with trip 66s versus two pairs (KK JJ).

I then dented Dave even more with AK suited versus AJ to double up.

I then came off badly in two clashes with Ilan – first going all-in with a pocket pair of 8s and a harmless looking 235 on the flop. The call came very quickly as Ilan had A4. Immediately after, I went all-in with AJ and lost to Ilan’s AK. Puss also departed this hand.

Heads-up at 1am. To say Ilan went out with a whimper would be a vast exaggeration. After not calling about 10 of Lee’s raises he was down to a few chips. The final hand saw Lee’s AQ hold up against pocket 6s as a Q hit on the flop.

Conversation topics

With Barry allegedly with Caroline in Rome, Dean away and Dan playing, not playing, then wanting to play but not being able to play, it was a quiet night away from the cards. The poker suite and loft conversion received some ooohs and aaaahs while the question on everyone’s lips was whether Sharon would actually carry through on her threat to return to work in 2006. The usual topics were discussed: Planet Earth (nutters jumping into mile-deep caves), Derren Brown’s tricks of the mind (loved the way he made the sun disappear), The Apprentice (Jo has to go soon) and excitement starting to build at the return of Lost.

The Bad Accountant explained how he got his job at KPMG – on the way out he walked into what he thought was a very long lift only to walk head first into a mirror on the back wall. Genius.

Dave described his worst bad beat online from the previous night holding QQ and flopping QJ3 – but losing with QQQJJ (second nuts) to JJJJ (nuts) to another J on the river. Ouch! As Ruth on the Apprentice would say “end of”.

Competition time

Vic’s poker monikers – can you add to this already healthy list of names Vic goes by at the poker table?

1. Puss
2. Pauline Fowler
3. Binman
4. Vicky
5. The Shuffler
6. The Bad Accountant
7. Unlucky Vic
8. Mr Unlucky
9.
10.

Send your suggestions to jja@cms-cmck.com. Vic has kindly offered a prize for the most offensive name.

Text sex rating (out of 10)

10

Proof from Barry

Barry sent me the attached photo to prove Caz was actually with him in Rome.

22 March (J&D's house) £60 profit – “Animal night”

Game 1 (1st JJ, 2nd Dave, 10 players)

The game started brightly for me taking 60% of the first 5 hands and building a reasonable lead.
Big hands of the night were:

I flopped a straight on the flop with 89 and won quite a few chips.

Barry (AQ) then got lucky against my K10 (10 9 8 on the flop) to double up with a lucky straight on the river.

Jude clashed with me next – thinking carefully about whether or not to call with 2 pairs and then walking into the nut flush (KQ clubs).

In an important hand for Dave, he doubled up with KQ versus my AJ suited.

Vic then doubled up with AA. Clearly inspired at this point, as he started dealing Vic uttered the immortal words “there you go Dan, your last card”. Dan exited seconds later, although to be fair he’d showed remarkable restraint to stick around with about £2 of chips.

Lee then doubled up against me with KK versus AQ.

Sipping my first diet coke of the night, the sugar-rush or my sheer stupidity made me continually raise with 63. Dave had 2 pairs on the flop and took a shed load of my chips.

Dave then dealt a double knock-out blow to Dean and Vic.

Ilan knocked out bull-frog Barry (look into my eyes – see below) with trip 4s (on the flop) improving to a straight on the river against A5.








EPT (Elite Poker Tour) Critical Moment – down to 3 players I went all-in against Ilan with Q10 and hit trip 10s to go heads-up with suntanned Dave.

The final hand saw the board pair 7s. Dave had also paired 5s and didn’t believe me when I tried an all-in bet. Pocket rockets won the game for me for the first time.

Game 2 (1st Lee, 2nd Ilan, 9 players)

Second hand I held pocket rockets again and called all of Ilan’s raises despite there being KK on the board. Ilan had a King to decimate my chips.

5 mins later it was all over for me as the flop came 554 and I went all-in with AK suited. Dan called with 66 and I was history.

Dean may have paid his debts to the group but clearly not to the poker gods as his two pairs (6s and 4s) turned to shite when an A hit on the river against Dave.

The game proceeded without too much incident to heads-up between Lee and Ilan with Lee taking the spoils.

Conversation topics

There was a bit of an animal theme with Jude having a snap in her tail having eaten a crocodile (not a whole one!), Barry being blind as a bat, Dave’s ‘crabs’ medicine was on display and Dean being quiet as a mouse (not!).

Landlord Dean was rounded on for considering objecting to his neighbour’s planning permission. Dave showed off a funny letter addressed Dear Wanker Brown. There was a lot more debate about the worst possible poker hand and also about multiples of doubling up such as octupleting up.

The Apprentice brought shame on the Jewish people. Surely, they could have sold their cooked chickens instead of throwing them away. Are they keeping Jo in for ratings?

Dean finally saw Lee lose then threatened to shit on Barry’s head before being made to wait for his own log which had started the slow crawl back up.

Enlightened Dan (one-off feature)

In a rare moment of enlightenment Dan announced, “I talk shit”.

Condolences

A minute’s silence was held for the cleverly named 'Frog' (no relation to 'Big Frog') who croaked this week.







With sympathy

To me for losing half of my staff on one day.

BJ Rating (out of 10)

7 (The conversation went something like “What big eyes you’ve got”. “Not as big as your….”)

15 March (S&L's house) £10 loss – “Ladies Night”

Game 1 (1st Sharon, 2nd Vic ,10 players)

Vic (still in his bin man costume from Purim) provided some new cards which delivered a series of big hands on the night. About three hands in the flop came 10 10 8. With 10 10 in my hand I started to write up my diary entry and then managed to persuade Lee to part with £4.75 at the river. Mystic Charlie had just announced that I probably had 10 10.

Main hands were as follows:

Barry Q7 Sharon Q6. Barry called £2.50 to out kicker Sharon.

I hit KK with A kicker on the flop (10 6 K) against Jude only for Jude to pair 2s and then 3s on the turn and river. I went all-in, Jude thought about it for ages and then called. Serves me right for slow-playing AK.

Sharon then had a diamond flush against Charlie to double up.

Barry raised £3.75 into Jude who’d hit two pairs (KK QQ) in a hand in the cookie jar moment.

Lee then doubled up against Sharon with higher two pairs (AA JJ) versus AA 66.

Dan departed leaving him with plenty of time to think up his Dan-isms (see later section in blog).
I lost chips soon after out-kickered by Barry AA J versus AA 10.

Sharon then hit two pairs on the river against Vic (wired 10s).

Sharon then hit another two pairs AA 44 against KK 44 to knock out Charlie.

Jude then got very very lucky to knock me out hitting a lucky straight on the river.

Bluffer Barry then tried a £5 re-raise versus Sharon who’d hit trip 6s on the flop.

In the first of the ladies night hands Ilan holding two ladies hit trips.

Vic then repeated this trick to knock Lee out. Interestingly Dean had just left the room and has still not seen Lee lose this year.

Jude hit a straight on the flop versus Barry who had a pair of 8s and an imaginary straight draw.
Ladies hit trips yet again for Sharon who by now was a monster chip leader.

Jude then hit trip As on the river versus Sharon’s two pairs (AA KK) to decimate Sharon’s lead.

Dean then went out with KQ, shortly followed by Barry.

Vic then took more of Sharon’s chips with a lucky J on the river to hit a straight versus AA KK.

Vic then hit two pairs (JJ 33) to dent Jude with top pair (KK).

My death of a monster comment spurred Sharon into action and she doubled up against Jude and then knocked Ilan out with top pair (AA).

At this point Vic’s name was changed by deed poll to Vicky or Puss as it became ladies night at the Youngs.

Jude then went out leaving Sharon to bully Puss into second place. The last hand was particularly fitting as Sharon held the ladies again and hit a flush to beat Vic who had nothing.

Game 2 (1st Ilan, 2nd JJ , 6 players)

A fast-paced game saw Barry hit the first straight flush (see photo) on the new table on the river (with 34 spades) making Barry the early chip leader and almost causing the first table spillage as Barry got very excited. Annoyingly for me I’d hit the A and decided to call Barry’s suspicious £7 something bet.















Desperate times call for desperate measures and feeling very tired I embarked on an astonishing 5 min journey to become massive chip monster.

After a flop of A9Q, Barry called my all-in with A9 (2 pairs) versus AK. It was not looking good until a glorious Q came at the river, pissing all over Barry’s 9 and doubling me up. Barry took it all in good spirits (did he fu#k!)

This was followed with a massive double up against Vic. I raised £7.75 on the river having made a backdoor flush with two diamonds (KQ). I already had top pair, but Vic also had hit the flush on the river with J9 and re-raised all-in (another £7.50). Clearly expecting to win, the look on Vic’s face said it all. Vic left just in time to start his early morning bin man shift.

Lee then became monster chip leader with a few decent hands before collapsing quite spectacularly losing all his chips to Ilan (new chip monster) – the swing hand was 77 versus 88.

Heads-up I had very little. I went all in with second pair (6’s) only for Ilan to call with a higher kicker. Well done to Ilan on his first win of 2006.

Conversation topics

The initial tone was set by Vic and Charlie.

Vic “I’ve got an FTP server”.
Charlie “oh yes” (genuinely sounding really interested).

We had new glasses and new cards and in a first for the game Dean arrived with everyone still in during the first game.

Dear Future Me emails (where you can send yourself an email to be received in 5 years time) were discussed. Would this promote suicide?

We had a rather short ‘what’s the best losing hand ever’ discussion and a comical discussion about my job and Barry’s Uni choice.

Insightful Dan

Two comments that stand out (and there were plenty more) were:

Is it an 8 or a 4? Oh a 6.

You either hit them or you don’t (Dan waxing lyrical on suited connectors).

Announcements

Mazel tov to Dalia and James on the birth of a baby girl.
Mazel tov to Yael and JJ on their 8th wedding anniversary.
Belated mazel tov to Janis and Charlie on their 3rd wedding anniversary.
Good luck to Sharon on her return to work after 9 months ‘holiday’. The question is will anyone actually notice you’ve been away.

Name and shame (new feature)

Dean – for using the pot as petty cash and attempting to pay by cheque. Shocking behaviour.

Dave’s “I don’t give a s#it rating” of who wins this week

10 (although he did phone for updates)

8 March (S&L's house) £10 loss – “Danger: chuckling may damage your health!”

Game 1 (1st Lee, 2nd Barry, 9 players)

The first game continued Lee’s impressive run of form with Barry doing well to avoid a hat trick of third places.

Barry hit trip 3s on the flop against Jude’s Ace. Two more Aces gave Barry a full house to decimate Jude’s chips.

Dave (QQ) and Sharon (44) clashed, with Sharon hitting a very lucky straight to put Dave massively on tilt. Dave quickly departed (KQ versus Dan’s AQ) to concentrate on the far more important business of raiding Lee’s CD collection.

In a rather bizarre hand, I lost a lot of chips to Dan who as good as said he had 62 when 62 came out on the flop. Despite holding the Ace (Ace on the flop too), I sensibly laid it down.

Barry came off badly when Lee flopped a straight (with 45) on the flop. Why does this never happen to me?

Dave was keen to note at this point that he had no interest in who won.

I knocked Sharon (K8) out with two pairs (Kings and Fours) with Dan sensibly folding top pair (KJ).

DING DONG – It’s the doorbell! (Maisy Mouse scene). It’s Dean. What a pleasant surprise! He’s just been raised £3.50 into his big blind. Still standing up, Dean goes all in with 33. Lee calls with AK and hits a King on the flop to send Dean into the Guinness Book of Records for the shortest ever performance. 15 seconds tops. Cue Maisy Mouse music.

Vic then pulled off a backdoor flush all-in with 10 7 suited against my A 10. The ‘dirty bastard’. I got my own back later with J9 versus Vic’s AJ hitting a straight on the turn. The end was close though as I attempted to triple up against Vic (AQ) and Lee (77). Vic tripled up and Lee took my remaining chips.

Barry battled back hitting trip Qs against Lee’s cowboys and then knocked out Dan with AK versus A 10.

Heads up Barry paired 7s on the river and tried a sneaky all-in bet only for Lee to call as he’d hit a flush on the river. Game over red rover.

Game 2 (1st Barry, 2nd JJ, 7 players)

Barry made good on this threat to hunt down Lee as he’d promised the previous week in what was an entertaining game. Dean was full of talk following his premature exit in the first game, but was desperately unlucky (although he should have raised more aggressively) to lose with pocket rockets to Lee’s flush on the river. Earlier Dan had again saved Barry (AA 33) by spotting a pot he won but thought he’d lost to Lee (KK QQ). Dan then doubled up with pocket rockets. I put myself in a strong position with two pairs (Ks and Qs) versus Barry’s Qs – Barry generously calling my £5 raise.

Dave (top pair) then lost out to Dan’s pocket Qs. Dean went all-in against me with a pair, only to say “what came first the A or the 3”. Both as it happened came on the flop. Vic then inexplicably went all-in against Lee with nothing, despite it being perfectly obvious to everyone that he had something.

Dan then lost two marginal hands. First with JJ (Dan) he lost to AJ (Barry). Then with AJ Dan lost to JJ (JJ – well it is my hand).

Heads up against Barry I was quite short stacked but pulled back strongly in the early hands. On the swing hand I pretended to have an A and went all-in with a straight draw. Barry made a good call with a better straight draw to take the prize.

Conversation topics

Barry picked up the first poker injury since June 2003 with one chuckle too many causing him to pull a muscle in his side. The Special One was not feeling so special as Chelsea went out of Europe to Barcelona. David spent most of the evening obsessively downloading tracks he will never listen to on his new ipod Nano. Excitement rose at the first preview of the newly plastered poker suite – may we all get plastered in it. Dan provided yet more insight by commenting “it’s not the chips you make, it’s the ones you take from other people” and then comparing it to a “six-pointer”. Dean is due to meet Accenture’s CEO this week, but seemed more concerned whether twice a year is biannual or semi-annual. It turns out the latter is US English and not what our good Queen would say. Dean also wrongly admitted to his parents that he eats non-kosher meat, but is having trouble convincing them that he really doesn’t. Nargis’s presentation on The Apprentice was ridiculed - “Did you know that there are 6 million cats in the UK and most of them live in London?”. Yes I do as it happens.

Simcha announcements (new feature)

Mazel tov to Sharon & Lee on their 10th wedding anniversary – an exciting UK trip awaits.

Mazel tov to Ilan Halberstadt and extended family on Ilan becoming a Rabbi.

Mazel tov to Dan and Gaby on their forthcoming birthdays.

Dan’s AK fortunes (like we care!)

Only hit AK once and won the small blind (14 chips).

1 March (S&L's house) £20 loss – “Monster chip lead jinx strikes again”

Game 1 (1st Lee, 2nd Ilan, 10 players)

The game started with early excitement as Marc went all-in after a few hands believing he’d hit two pairs (AJ) only to discover he actually had A10. Dave had called the all-in with Marc’s imaginary hand to send Marc to a very early exit.

A series of amazing hands followed. Dan hit the nut flush on the turn and started milking Ilan with £3.50 raises; but Ilan hit a full house on the river (JJJQQ) and should have gone all-in.

A big hand saw off unlucky Dean who had AA versus Lee’s AK suited – with a diamond flush hitting on the turn. Dan’s Q10 didn’t get a look-in.

Barry (AK) saw off Sharon (KK) with a very lucky straight on the river.

Dave and Ilan (both with lots of chips) clashed with Ilan winning a crucial hand with the nut flush versus Dave’s flush – both needed to use both their hole cards to make the flush.

The Jaysons departed soon after as Jude walked into Dave’s very patient full house (10 10 10 66) having paired Kings on the river.

Having survived upto this point by watching everyone else commit card-suicide I raised pre-flop with A5 suited only for Ilan to hit top two pair with KQ suited. With hindsight I should have waited.
Barry (pair of Qs) could count himself very unlucky (and believe me he does) to fall to Lee who tripped 5s on the river.

That left Ilan heads-up with a monster chip lead versus Lee. A run of shocking cards and a big swing-hand chasing a straight that never came gave Lee the momentum he needed to wrap up another win. Bridesmaid Ilan now has 4 second places in 2006.

Game 2 (1st Marc, 2nd Lee, 7 players)

Lee started the second game on heat amassing an astonishingly large chip lead after just 10 hands. Barry was grateful to Dan (you don’t hear those words often) for spotting a sneaky flush on the river against Dave. My evening ended with 22 deservedly losing to JJ (Marc) – not this is Jack Jack.

The game very quickly turned into a three-horse race with Lee, Marc and Barry fighting for position. The end was a long time coming, but Marc held his nerve to take a well-deserved win with Lee second while Barry finished third for the second time.

Lee comments - amazing how I managed to lose all my chips but I take comfort in the fact that at one point I was last in the top 3 with Baz chip leader - only to regain the lead and knock Barry out. The quote worthy of mention was of course Baz to Lee (after going all in then all out on nothing
more than a draw as usual) = "Right next week I am targeting you instead of Sharon.... " cue much
laughter all round and general agreement that Baz is most generous to want to give his chips away
before the next game has even begun!”

Conversation topics

England scraped past Uruguay with a goal from an escaped giraffe and a last minute winner from Joe Cole. The ref took matters into his own hands by pushing the players away – he should have sent himself off. We heard all about Jonah’s PTSD (post traumatic shit disorder) and were captivated by Chantelle’s experience in the German Big Brother house or village as it’s known over there. The tiles are looking good in the Young’s new bathrooms and the poker suite will shortly be ready for its opening ceremony.