25 February (J&D's house) Annual Poker Tournament – “Charity’s the Winner”

The eagerly awaited 2006 charity poker tournament provided both highs (drug and menthol-induced) and lows (out second). In case anyone had forgotten who the inaugural winner was, Barry sported a fetching charity T-shirt (photo to come), although for someone used to chasing dwarfs for their photo, he was surprisingly coy about having his own picture taken.

While hostess Jude introduced the tournament and host Dean served up the food, the two tables of 8 debated table names – The A Team and Winners were chosen (credit the muppet on The Apprentice).

The Apprentice formed a large part of the evening’s conversation. Jo, the emotionally-challenged hyena, who was made redundant from MG Rover (can’t think why!), proved to be a common source of ridicule. Unsurprisingly she worked in training, just slightly above the recruitment industry according to Dean’s hierarchy of vocations.

Dan delighted the eager crowd of ‘well-wishers’ (photo to come) by collecting the booby prize. This gave him roughly three hours to work on his excuses.

With the memories of two mid-week wins still fresh in my mind, the general feeling was that I’d peaked too early (insert your own innuendo – not sure where you want to insert it though). My chips were up and down like a yo-yo on speed. See graph below.












A series of great hands (AA which was not shown to universal derision, QQ which I lost with, AK three times (lost two out of three and a series of other great starting hands) meant my planned tactics (to play it slow) went out of the window. In my final hand, holding fewer chips than Dean has houses, I had AK again. Behind on the flop to JJ (Jane), my Ace hit on the turn only for another J to send me and Rich out of le tournoi.

Scott followed similar fortunes. After taking most of my chips with a lucky 10 on the river (although he did have lots of outs I‘m told), Scott remarked “looks like I’ll definitely be on the final table”. Kiss of death mate. You should have gone in the kitchen for a couple of hours like I’d suggested and you would have made it.

Elsewhere on the table Paul narrowly avoided coming out first two years in a row – consciously laying down a hand when short-stacked to avoid Dan’s fate.

Guest author: Barry

(Our table) : Dan came out with a classic line - "You think you have lots of chips, until you find out that everyone else has more, and you have relatively little!". Fittingly, after that, Dan was out first. He wasn't happy with Dean jumping up to take a photo of the first loser, with his beer and crisps booby prize.

Barry and Aron had quite a big chip lead, but Barry donated a lot of chips to Jude just before the interval. Barry moved over to the other table, and went all in with top pair (Aces). Unfortunately Dean had trip 7's and knocked out the reigning champion in 8th place.

That left 7 people on the final table Final Table consisted of Dean (huge Chip lead), Jude (2nd chip lead), Aron, Sharon, Vic, Jane, Lee

The final table was a little less exciting than it could have been – mainly to the fact that Dean, Jude and Aron picked up most of the chips quite early.

The people going into the final with the least chips (Lee, Jane, Sharon and Vic) never really stood a chance against the big guns, but put up quite a fight. Lee was his usual patient self, but unluckily for him, his 2 Aces or huge hand, never materialised. Vic was left reeling after an unlucky river card wiped out most of his chips, leaving him with very little. His next hand he raised (nearly) all in, leaving himself one black chip. No one raised pre flop. After the flop Aron raised, Vic called his one chip all in, and Aron swept up. In hindsight, it might have been better if Vic had folded, and tried to really prove if "a chip and a chair" was possible.

Eventually, we were left with 3 (Dean, Jude and Aron). Pre tournament, JJ gave odds of 20-1 for Dean to throw a huge chip lead. True to form, Dean did, and went all in with AK. After a long deliberation, Aron called with a pair of 3's. The threes held up and Dean was our 3rd place finisher.

Aron and Jude were left to battle it out for the trophy. It didn't last long. Jude went all in with A2 after the flop (straight draw). After painfully deliberating again, Aron called with a higher straight draw, and hit it. Aron was the new champion, after knocking out both hosts, and winning all the chips.

Back to JJ:

The poker odds were truly prescient as Dean managed to erode yet another monster chip lead. It only remains for me to thank our hosts for a wonderful evening. Congratulations to the winners Aron, Jude, Dean (sounds like a fix to me) and Dan. Aron – make sure you give the trophy a rinse, as you really don’t want to know what Barry’s been doing with it in the past year. Charity was the only winner. Until next year. JJ

22 February (S&L's house) £100 profit – “You to bet – you’re a twat”

Game 1 (1st JJ, 2nd Lee, 8 players)

The game started brightly with Vic showing AK in the first hand before Jude had bet – thereby forfeiting the hand. The following hand, Vic displayed the entire flop before Sharon had acted. Have you ever thought of playing professionally Vic?

A key hand early on was Barry flopping a full house 10 10 6 with 66 (Barry) against 10 4? (Dave).

Early on I won a couple of decent pots by out-kickering (interesting word) Sharon and Vic. Motored along expecting to be playing Dan heads-up, but Lee, who has more patience than a Saint, came back from one blind to gate-crash heads-up. The flop came JJ6, and Lee with 65 called an all-in against A6.

Game 2 (1st JJ, 2nd Lee, 8 players)

Dean’s poor run of form continued (despite being there almost from the start of the game), although how he managed to throw away such a mammoth chip lead remains a mystery. On the positive side, as a property magnate things are looking up for Dean with his 5th student property in the bag. Dave noted that he was not looking forward to being regaled with tenant-from-hell (or Leicester, it’s much the same) stories.

Dan had a second game to forget – first laying down AK suited (“it’s an unlucky hand”) against the biggest bluffers in the West (who had AQ and AJ respectively) and then inexplicably (although I’m sure we’ll get to hear the reason) laid down a straight following Ilan’s bet. Did Gaby put something in your tea?

After winning the first game and starting well in the second, I was feeling good until Barry pulled a miracle J on the river to steal lots of my chips. I didn’t let it put me on tilt though as I went all-in three hands in a row. Proceeded smoothly to heads-up with Lee and with the chips going back and forth it was clear one big hand was needed. The board paired 8s and Lee bet cautiously reeling me in with trips. On the river my gut shot straight came off (my best hand of the night) and Lee called an all-in to bring the night to a close at 2am.

Conversation topics

With Yael’s words ringing in my ears (“you’d better win as I’m missing two events so you can go to poker”) I was feeling the pressure – but not as much as Chelsea who had a player sent off after 37 minutes and lost 2-1 at home to Barcelona – nice!. With the early talk focussed on dongles and paresthetica it’s no wonder the conversation was subdued.

The loft extension is progressing nicely although we were all at a loss to explain how Sharon could have spent £300 on glue.

The charity poker tournament at the weekend was at the forefront of people’s minds (see odds section below) now that the trophy has been returned from dwarf city. The Jaysons have kindly donated their slave to wait on us, although Ilan offered to take on the job for half the money.

JJ’s unluckiness rating (10 = most unlucky)

3 (just one shocking bad beat all night from Barry with a jammy Jack – he’s warming up for Sat night)

Odds for Sat night (note: these are not for real)

Dan to fold AK suited – 3 to 1 or is it 5 to 1 or pot odds
Dan to lay down another straight – 1,000 to 1
Dean to throw away a massive chip lead – 10 to 1
Lee to stick around for a really long time – 2 to 1
Vic to cock up dealing – Sorry the book is closed
JJ to get the wooden spoon – 2 to 1
Barry to win – Googol to 1

Addendum

Dan has emailed me his reasons for last night's display. See below.

"The reason for missing the straight was tiredness, lack of concentration, distraction of flat sale issues, Dave's pre-match treat, poor eyesight, your comment about a 6 making a straight (probably misheard due to all aforementioned reasons)."

15 February (S&L's house) £20 loss – “Attack and Leave”

Game 1 (1st Charlie, 2nd Dave, 10 players)

No complaints on this game. Hit full house JJJ77 on the flop in the second or third hand and tried an over-bet of £10 to Lee hoping he’d call / go all-in but he wisely chose to lay down a pair of Aces with a low kicker. Got lucky against Marc with A10 versus 99 and 3467 already out. Needed a 5 to split or A,10 to win and hit the miracle 5 to split the pot. Eventually called an all in against Dave with AK (Andy had just lost with AK, so I thought it might be lucky) after the flop. Dave had top pair and won. The Borehamwood contingent was obliterated in just a minute. Dave managed to win with a 6 kicker and then the following hand with a 5 kicker against Marc. Heads-up Dave had a large lead and threw the majority away with an all in manoeuvre with nothing but draws. Charlie had second pair 55 and incredibly called to set up his first (and last) victory of 2006.

Game 2 (1st Dan (but doesn’t really count as he wasn’t playing a second game), 2nd Bridesmaid Dave, 8 players)

Sharon was just getting ready for bed having just said goodnight-all when she heard Barry leave with a Byee – cue hysterical laughter. Played well early on and hit a few cards but got little call-age from other players. Got shafted yet again by Dave who was right to call with the amount of chips he had but only had a few outs after the flop. A8 versus A5 and a 5 hit. The ‘dirty bastard’. Gutted. Marc played well for third place but was clearly on tilt and feeling the pressure following a message from Ruth. Dan who insisted throughout that he wasn’t playing the second game won the heads-up battle. At least you’ve earned back the extra tenner you lost last week.

Conversation topics

Conversation was nothing special. Topics included the smoking ban, identity cards and Lee’s Valentine dinner. An attempt by me to liven things up by discussing two depressing TV documentaries I’d seen – one on Progeria (premature ageing) and the other on a baby entombed in a concrete block did little to lighten the mood.

Barry gave a textbook demonstration of his trademarked ‘Attack and Leave’ manoeuvre to everyone’s amusement. Dan provided some wonderful insight into cause and effect at the poker table to even more amusement. Did you know that if a 567 would have come instead of AAK Dan would have made 4 to a straight? Fascinating stuff – Accenture is one lucky company.

It was a night for new faces with Marc (desperate to steel a few blinds) and Dr Andy taking advantage of the Jayson holiday to secure spots at the final table. Both showed their inexperience by sitting either side of me – the farting machine.

Finally, with the minor building works to the loft nearly complete (everyone had a good nose around), the more pressing work can begin to develop the poker room in the garden.

BJ rating
N/A
JJ’s unluckiness rating (10 = most unlucky)

7

7 February (D&J's house) £20 loss – ‘’The Phantom Tenner”

Game 1 (1st Dave, 2nd Dan, 8 players but £90 pot)
In a first for the game we played for a £90 pot but with only 8 players. All 8 players insisted they had paid £10, yet £90 appeared in the pot. There is only one way this could have happened – Dan! Dan was messing around with the pot at the start of the game – need I say more. Dan therefore became the first person to ‘win’ his own generously-donated £10 for coming second.

Third place for me doesn’t tell the whole story as I was mugged by Dave who had just 3 outs and hit one – the ‘dirty bastard’. There was no looking back for Dave who limped over the line with about the worst set of heads-up cards I’ve seen for a long time.

Game 2 (1st Barry, 2nd Dave, 7 players)
Built up a decent chip lead, only for Dave and Dan to remind me that I usually throw them away. I did. Again I was shafted, this time by Barry – who had about 6 outs and hit a straight – the ‘dirty bastard’.

Barry won heads up against Dave with a lucky straight.

Conversation topics
Approaching tonight’s game I was feeling lucky having been allocated Wimbledon final tickets for both the mens’ and the womens’ matches. It was going to take a shocking night at the tables to change my mood and sure enough the cards delivered big time. To sum up, am I bovvered? Face, Look, Bovvered – too right I am.

The conversation revolved around the following: how to exchange JJ’s tickets for large sums of cash thereby solving all his money problems and clearing third world debt at the same time; the Buncefield oil disaster; Vic/Lee’s building works (Vic will be back in on Thursday!) and the genius of our criminals. Clearly Hamza didn’t have a leg (or hand) to stand on, but at least he’s got his fancy dress outfit sorted for prison. The guy that dressed up as a suicide bomber whilst on parole was universally agreed to be a muppet. Charlie showed some photos of 3.5 week-old Francesca – who we all agreed was cute. Dave displayed evidence of another online tournament win while Dan was equally excited about playing for 5 hours and winning an online (not for cash) tournament.

BJ rating
N/A – too gutted to participate.
JJ’s unluckiness rating (10 = most unlucky)

9

1 February (S&L's house) £20 loss – ‘Night of the Underdog’

Game 1 (1st Barry, 2nd Lee, 9 players)
Started with a couple of low pairs that missed trips on the flop, but then secured a couple of small wins to build a reasonable stack of chips – I was beginning to feel my unlucky ‘Cat’ tops had turned the corner. Sadly I was mistaken. Dan knocked Sharon out before the end of the first round with a straight versus 2 pairs. Looking down at AA, I was feeling confident, only for the flop to come 10 10 6. Barry, for once not the underdog, flopped a full house 666 10 10 and reeled me. One side of the poker table then disintegrated (not literally) with Jude and Dave following. Dean therefore earned a respectable 5th place without showing his face. It was left to Barry and Lee to battle it out heads-up with Dan (I always come 3rd) coming 3rd. Barry triumphed.

Game 2 (1st Lee, 2nd Ilan, 7 players)
Not feeling too confident going into this game given results from the first game and from Arsenal and it showed in my play which was reckless. Two all-in manoeuvres with nothing gave some false hope and I went all-in and was called by Lee and Barry. Lee already had the straight and became monster chip leader and went on to win a heads-up against Ilan. You guessed it – Dan came 3rd (well actually 4th).

Conversation topics
The evening was dominated by burgers, burps, bad breath, big brother and bad beats (great use of alliteration) and 6’s. It was also a night of the underdog both on and off the hallowed felt. With Arsenal and Man Utd losing miserably and Chelsea and Liverpool holding on for draws, it was no surprise that the king of the underdogs (Barry) would come good (well that’s what happened in the lay-by). The conversation was generally poor – although this may have resulted from people being too full of burger to talk. The Burger Bar (clearly they spent a lot of time brainstorming the name) is we all agreed likely to be a success. Quite how Mark Oaten thought it would be a good move to stand for leadership was also a hot topic for the evening. The proportion of homes with digital TV was also debated, as were Sky Movies new HD channels both with a remarkably clear blank screen. Eilat price has fallen again to £909 still £10 above its opening price.

BJ rating
6.9

Photos
Barry kindly took a picture of his chips just after he’d knocked me out with AA.